That right above is me and has been now for 17 days. At the start I was nervous scared even that I would not be able to do it alone.
But not too far into it I realised I had already been doing it alone for 11 years the biggest difference was most days I don’t have adult conversation except for online!! But that is sometimes the next conversations ever!!
Daily I get people messaging me on Facebook asking how I am doing and coping!! That right there is my support network these people I have built relationships with care about it!!
So since then, well let’s just say again landlord threatened eviction I told him to go ahead I want out. However it didn’t happen.
So what was my choices? Yes that’s right report my issues to the local council amazingly 3 days after they rang him I received the letter of eviction!!
No contact from him yet about the repairs. He only has 28 days to do them and believe me after his abuse and threats. I will be reporting him for not doing the work!
Along with this I had a scare Friday evening! Mia came out of school unwell and unable to breath. This was the first time that it’s happened while I am living alone.
I was not scared of what would happen or been alone and dealing with it. I was scared I would have to call a ambulance and have my 6 year old leave without mummy or daddy at her side!
Anyone with a child who frequently gets ill will understand it is hard to leave them while you go to the shop or for some air. So the thought of leaving them completely alone scared me so much.
I’m so grateful her dad came and watched the others while I took her. After over 4 hours in a&e she had 40 puffs of her inhaler, steroids, nebuliser, oxygen and xrays.
Thankfully we got to go home that night!! Which was amazing she perked up loads and the next day she was almost back to get complete usual self.
I will be posting most nights now!!
It’s time I started embracing this change and using it to my advantage.
I have been so busy but rather then going into it on here I will make a separate post regarding life.
So Sunday was the 100th day I did not gamble!! Today is actually 102days I know I’m late updating!! In those 100 days I have saved myself £4,400 on average!!
Now that has gone!! It went on the kids house stuff, new clothing for myself thins that are important.
I’m proud I made it without any meetings especially after the last months incidents most people relapse after struggles so close to stopping an addiction.
I’m proud I didn’t it shows me I can go through almost anything without caving!!
Don’t get me wrong I get thoughts sometimes really bad ones but I manage them I walk away from those thoughts telling me I should gamble.
copyrighted by billiejo priestley
It feels like glue every time I pull away it springs me back
Why does this hold never loosen or break it’s like the ultimate glue
Those words hurt they slowly killed me inside while I was fighting to stay alive
I struggled for breath until finally I gave up I became what you wanted
It was easier to die inside and conform so the pain you inflicted wouldn’t be so hurtful
I tried to keep it switched on the feelings were to bad dragging me down and down until I switched them off but it only switched off the good not the bad
Left with the bad and no way out I clambered and scraped for a exit a exit from this black hole that was sucking all the good from me.
Pulsing the bad into my mind like a machine that forces you to breath fighting it till the end till the last breath.
Your darkness may have pulled me down it make have left just darkness in my life but my heart will always be pure.
The darkness may still hold onto me pulling me back but with each pull out weakens one day a light will find it’s easy through and break you.
I have not posted in a while..
Kids holidays so I’m spending as much time as I can with them before they go back to school!
Working as well yes I work from home which I love but I do need to do some work every day.
Along with that personally I have changed I am so much happier now any bad things that try to get me down I am able to handle them and push them out my mind.
I have achieved so much and I’m so happy my mind is clear more clear then it has been for years! And I’m new stepping up and realising what things in my life are wrong and need to go or be changed.
Life can not continue how it did before my addiction. Clearly things in my past made me gamble and become addicted and those things need to change.
Today is day 81 of no gambling!! My first time stopping with little support and I am achieving it! In not so long it will be 3 months!
Changes are coming!!
Tomorrow’s post is not to be missed you will see just why things got so bad for me!
Here’s a few pictures from this past week.
In the holiday’s kids get so bored because Monday-Friday they have structure at school all day. It is a time where they are constantly kept busy, Working, Playing, Creating and having fun.
At home there is nothing! So here is, some things to help you get the most out of your easter holidays but also keep the children active!
So start with a timetable! Yes, that is right a timetable, This will fit all your plans, activities and meal times into one place but most importantly with this, you can create space for some me time so you do not get so stressed!
Be realistic with this though don’t put 8am breakfast if you know your kids will be up at 6:30 or you will all be asleep until 10am for the reason the whole schedule will shift!
So I will share my day two schedule I do things before the kids wake but you will get the idea. You will see two choices the first is if the weather is nice second if it is not!
Kids awake 7-8am Breakfast by 9am, Kids dressed by 9:45
10 AM Music kids dancing/Kids playing in garden
11:30 AM kids in and get ready for dinner, and help prepare food
12:30 30 minutes of Screen time
1 PM Kids crafting, Cutting and sticking/Walk to the local park with ball, hula hoops etc
3PM Movie time 3pm-3:30 quiet time for mum then cook
4:45 Tea Time
5:30 Kids 30 minute screen time and reading school books
6:30 bed time
It might seem simple but you will be amazed by how long kids will enjoy dancing around the living room for! The idea is to get them up and active as early as possible to burn some fuel and get them a little calmer for after dinner!
Kids helping with dinner is also another amazing thing! Having 5 kids it is harder but each one can help, One passes you the ingredients, one get them out the cupboards etc one puts the trimmings in the bin!
You really can get your kids to help and they will love it!
So some more ideas?
Messy play this is something even my 10-year-old enjoys paper all over the floor so its covered and playing with hands, feet etc. Obviously, use old clothing! My kids loved rolling around in the paint! You see if you have enough paint and patience for the cleaning after your kids would stay there all day painting!
£1 Stores! To many people spend £3 on plastic bats and balls when most £1 stores have them in easter holidays I believe in other countries it is called dollar shop etc. But for £10 you can get 10 different outdoor toys! Water guns another thing which kids will play with for hours but again if you do not have a outside tape you need patience for cleaning your floors! Same you can get these from £1 stores.
In the UK the cinema is amazing! Vue mini mornings you only get one movie which isn’t amazing but if I was to go any other time or to see any other film that isn’t a mini morning it would cost me over £60!! Seriously for a 1 hour 45-minute film! With mini mornings I believe for all 6 of us it would be £12 what a bargain!!
You see 2 weeks is not a long time! Lets list some ideas below!
Playing in garden
Messy paint play
Cutting and sticking
30 minutes of screen time
Storytime each child takes turns to pick a book
Playing field with ball and other outside games
Make your own pizzas
Create a play (Kids will spend all day rehearsing before showing you the final play)
Create puppets and a play
Write your own stories
Give kids a choice what would you like to do?
It is amazing, isn’t it! Just how many people kept their secrets hidden when it comes to addictions. Something that people often see as wrong and weak and that makes people hide what they are doing for so long.
I have had the same questions come up in many conversations from people who think they may have a gambling addiction.
- That is how did you feel when you gambled?
- What was your mind like when you gambled?
- What made you realize you were addicted?
Now I am willing to share my experience and delve deeper into these areas if it could possibly help someone identify if they have an addiction or just get carried away!
That is the issue here! Some people still believe gambling can’t be an addiction and that we just get carried away and can not stop ourselves! When does it become an addiction? When does it become an addiction so bad it ruins your life? And when will people realize gambling can be an addiction!
Look at it this way! Someone who drinks and gets totally wasted after not having a night out in a year more than likely just got carried away and are not an alcholic.
Now someone who every time they drink does this they most certainly would be perceived as an alcoholic!
So to answer your first question. How did I feel when I gambled?
In the start I felt relaxed, I enjoyed it and got a buzz I didn’t feel anxious or stressed or like I was destroying my life. I felt like I was having fun and relaxing! Towards the end well let’s take the relaxed out of there! And put in more anxiousness and more stressed.
I would get the buzz when I won however that would soon turn to annoyance and anxiousness when I couldn’t keep winning and lost! Followed by depression, sadness and a feeling of been lost and unable to control myself!
Question 2 What was my mind like when I gambled?
Again in the beginning it was relaxed but hyped up waiting to see if I would win. If I lost the £20 £30 I put on my mind wouldn’t be so bothered I would walk away still feeling good yes I lost some money but only £20! I knew I wouldn’t gamble again for a week or so.
Now when it was towards the end! My mind was a mess it is the only way to really describe it! I would put £20 on lose and it yet my mind just pushed and pushed till I put another £20 on. My mind would say to me you can win that £20 back if you keep pushing the game to pay out. The game sometimes would pay out £80-£300 unlike the beginning when I would take it and run or keep playing if I won £300 and had £18 left I would play with that £18 then withdraw.
The end, however, I wouldn’t I would keep hitting that button my mind telling me you can do it you can get another big win. Down to £250, Telling myself I should withdraw while my mind played tricks telling me no no keep going your close to a win. Down to £200 and again trying to convince my mind I had to withdraw this £200 but no my mind wouldn’t it kept fighting back saying keep going there has to be a big win soon.
This would go on and one until my balance reached 0 At that point my mind would pipe up you won that much and lost over £500 including winnings deposit again your due a big win! Telling my mind no didn’t work it did what it wanted I couldn’t fight it!
Again If while trying to win more I did get another big win would I withdraw? No! My mind would keep pushing at one point I had £700 it got down to £20 and knowing that was all I had left I forced myself to take it even though my mind was telling me to keep going!
Call it weak or addiction call it what ever you want to! It is like an alcoholic saying just one more because that is what their mind says to them!
Something that is hard to answer is what made you realize you were addicted?
I kind of knew deep down I was before I said anything but my opportunity to overcome the mind was not there. You see while I knew I was addicted if I tried to push through the just one more bet wouldn’t work my mind wouldn’t give in it did not want me to admit it out loud! Why? because if I did my mind would lose the control and grip on me! People do not realize how amazing and powerful the mind really is! But that is the point it is that powerful it can stop you speaking up about been addicted because it doesn’t want to let you go.
So that night I did speak up well let’s just say I hit rock bottom! I spent all my money that week on gambling rent was sat there and I spent that! Gone over £1000 in just 2 hours. Realization hit I couldn’t hide it anymore my mind at that point was like go on gamble again you can win it back. But as my emotions were totally a mess and I had a break down that is what let me get it out there!
The first step was to make sure I would tell someone so I messaged someone I knew online I knew however she was busy so tried calling my sister who didn’t answer! I knew I had little time to say it before my mind told me everything would work out and stop me. So my friend online called me and I broke down on the phone crying explaining what was happening. It felt like a huge burden had been lifted off me I felt like I was finally beating my mind at its tricks! Then I called my sister and again broke down on the phone crying explaining it to her. At first she though I just spent the rent money until I explained no I have an addiction I have lost over £3000 in 4 weeks!
At this point, my mind tried taking back control telling me it would be ok and to try again to win back my losses. So I decided no I won’t let my mind win! Login into facebook I hit the live button and explained I had a gambling addiction! And that I would beat it! Now some people say it took courage which it did but to me, that was my way of beating my mind more! I was so confident I would beat this disease I spoke outloud on a facebook live telling the whole world or those who seen it! It was public so anyone could see!
You see to say it is as simple as just stopping or we just get carried away is wrong! Gambling addiction is like any other the mind takes control! Who would have though your mind could do that! But it really can that just 1 more bet turns into £1000 gone!
Think about your gambling do you see signs of addiction? You are best to say something quickly as soon as the mind is quiet usually after you have just lost all your money available it will stop because it can not tell you just one more bet. At that point, you need to fight your mind and say it out loud so others hear and beat this disease!
Today is day 73 of no gambling for me! And I will continue to keep fighting my mind and take back control of my life!
So huray I have made it to 10 weeks of no gambling today is exactly day 71!! I feel like I accomplishing things a lot more and not gambling has also made me have a clear mind and realise a lot of things.
So what have I accomplished in these 10 weeks?? Amazing things yes the beginning was hard and I struggled to even think straight!! But slowly things started getting better.
I got myself into a routine where I had time to myself and help my mind heal.
I’m not saying it is not still hard! Picking up one of them magazines with real life stories seeing the full page adverts saying £30 free does make me stop and think.
But I am strong enough and I keep fighting those thoughts.
Other things have came to be clearer I realised how stressed I was. How easily I was annoyed at the slightest thing. But most importantly things have became clear. I have noticed a lot of things that are wrong in my life. also a lot of things that actually could have pushed me to gamble.
Things are about to change it might take me a few months but these are changing and it will be amazing and help so much.
So before I say happy mothers day I would like to tell you all something.
It’s sad when today so many people are forgotten about, they are told they are not mothers or that certain things do not make them a mother!!
You see a women becomes pregnant at 6 weeks age losses her baby.
She’s a mum! Don’t you doubt that for a second.
A women gets pregnant and at 2 months is told by the doctors she needs to terminate for medical reasons.
She is a mum! Don’t you doubt that for a second.
A women trying to conceive for 10 years after failed ivf several times more broke she sticks to getting a puppy she can be a mum to.
She is a mum! Don’t you doubt that.
A women unable to conceive has no choice but to pay for a reborn doll.
She is a mum! Don’t you doubt that.
That lady who only had one baby who passed away some time after birth whether it was 2 minutes or 20 years.
She is a mum! Don’t you doubt that.
A man singly raising his children with no female presence.
He is a mum! Don’t you doubt that.
Two men raising a baby together.
They are a mum! Don’t you doubt that.
A lady who looks after her godchild or sister brother anything full time.
She is a mum! Don’t you doubt that.
To many people consider a mum someone who gave birth to a child that is wrong! A mum is someone who is maternal and caring.
We all know some mums are not worthy of the title they have kids they hate them and show no interest in their children and honestly could not care if they where safe and well!
That is not a mother!
So before you judge or think she’s not even a mum she probably is you have no idea what the lady or Man is like so don’t doubt that they can’t be a mum because they can.
Happy mothers day