Another battle for little Mia

She seems to take everything in her stride, life throws so much crap at Mia and at the age of 7, she has experienced a lot.  She is still her usually cheeky happy self though!

So Mia has always suffered from lung problems, collapsed lungs, severe asthma and has been minutes away from doctors putting her on Life support.

She is the poorly one out of the Twins and since around 4 weeks old been in and out of hospital.

While Elysa her twin was walking Mia was still not crawling, While Elysa could talk Mia could not.  Mia learnt to count to 20 Mia struggled to count to 5.

Now Mia is 7, and in year 2, she was 4 months ago working towards the level Reception are when they go into year one.

A few months ago she formed Trich, she is pulling her hair out a lot so has to wear a bandana to school.


Now this is to try stop her pulling at school, however we learnt she is taking it off certain times during the day to pull her hair!

Last night parents evening was a disaster, the teacher said straight we are seriously concerned regarding Mia, we know she has the hair condition however she is regressing, she isn’t moving forward with her work shes going backwards.  When she was asked what 2 more then 3 was she genuinely looked confused when a few weeks ago not a problem.

Her writing is going backwards, her reading and spellings as well, for some reason everything she has learnt is slowly leaving her 😦 The teacher explained she no longer sits still, she fidgets, she can’t keep quiet and often sits and plays with anything at her table distracting others.

It seems she is the one child who is getting everything thrown at her.  It is amazing, how one twin can be so Amazing, Elysa’s teacher had nothing bad to say just praise, how amazing she is, she read me her own story she wrote in class and clearly is a very well advanced girl.  She is a little girl who will sit and explain things to children struggling in class and help the teacher!

So more appointments for Mia, she already gets seen so many times now she has got yet another issue to contend with when we find out what the illness is.

Here is a video of her hair being dried you can see the bald patches better this way.

You have OCD 7 years later it was wrong.

Pregnant with twins 7 1/2 years ago took a strain on my body, health and mental health.

I realised I was constantly unable to stop touching my hair to the point I would feel a slight lump where the hair was broken and snap the broke piece off.

Sounds crazy right?  I thought so as well, I figured it was a new bad habit I had but then I realised sometimes I did not even notice I was doing it until I kind of woke up from my trance with hairs all over me.

Split ends were my nightmare and delight!  I could spend hours finding slit ends and literally splitting them!


The doctor instantly said I had OCD that was brought on by pregnancy and should go after!  Yippee I thought not long to go now however after they were born things did not get better they got worse!

Years went by well seven years to be exact of me believing I had OCD.  When one night I noticed my daughter literally pulling her hair out not one strand but several at a time over and over!

Panic took me and I thought I am sure I have heard of this before.  So off to the doctors we went where the doctor confirmed she has trichotillomania.

Her beautiful hair was a disaster!


Now I read, read and read articles after articles on how to help her and to be honest they were all pretty useless they all concluded it is near impossible for someone with trichotillomania to stop.

So I was shocked, there was techniques that might help but the chances where very, very, low.  So it looked like a high possibility that she would have to live with this for life.

Reading more and more about it I learnt trichotillomania comes in many forms, nail biting, nose picking, lip biting, cheek biting, skin picking hair pulling, hair picking, hair cutting! and split ends splitting.

I sat there looking reading the facts and realised I don’t have OCD.  I spoke to someone who is just like me and she confirmed they was wrongly diagnosed with OCD as well to then be told it was a form of trichotillomania.


Now looking at the different types of trichotillomania I know I am a big nail biter to the point it goes to far down and is painful as hell, I know I also often bite my lips so much they blend or do the same to inside my cheeks!

So what now?  Well firstly I am actually grateful that I have trichotillomania it mean’s my daughter won’t feel like she is the only one suffering from it.

Second I wasted just over 7 years believing I had OCD 7 years!  That is a lot of time I took drugs that clearly didn’t help for the reason I did not have OCD.

So don’t always assume doctors get it right sometimes they look at you, see your pregnant and instantly think it is OCD brought on by pregnancy.

No two victims are the same

bullying-959433_960_720What is the year? 1845? You would think it the way some people seem to not realize that no victims are the same and are effected differently from their abusers. People assume that because they were fine or someone they know was ok that well everyone else who suffers should as well.

Fact is no two victims are the same 2 victims can be put through the exact same abuse for the same time frame by the same person in their life and the outcome and effect will be different. So why do you hear it all the time?
So here is a story for you, a story about my son and how he was bullied and reactions from others around us.
He was told things like to man up and take it, He was a wuss for crying when a girl beat him! Now the fact is if he had tried to fight back against a girl he would then have been beaten more for hitting a girl! He was called spoiled because he couldn’t deal with it on his own.
Then I was told stick and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me! Do people not realize that words cause a scare no one can see? A scare that permanently damages a mind!
Then the comments came comparing him to others, My daughter was bullied on Instagram we just blocked the bullies and it never happened again. My son was bullied by kids on the street he fought them and never had an issue.
My sister even said her son was bullied for two years till he stood up to them and is totally fine. No sorry, he is not totally fine not in the mind if he is telling others to now bully my son!
People forget how many kids take their lives because they are not mentally prepared or mentally stable enough to take the abuse and bullying. A 9-year-old took her own life! The news is filled with stories of kids who struggled to cope with bullying and could not see anything way out! Some were in the position where the parents did not care and told him to stand up against them and they will be fine.
Not every child is able to stand up against bullies! And even if they can find the strength to if they are not strong enough they will be beaten laughed at and still continue to be bullied!
So here is my point just because your son or daughter was ok and had no issues with been bullied does not mean you should make out like every child should be! How would you feel if you told a parent oh they will be fine my son was bullied for a year and is fine now it has stopped. To then three weeks later realize they took your advice and that child took their life?

No two child are the same no two children will react the same to been bullied think about it before you go telling parents to let their kids get on with it, or saying they are a wuss for crying over it!

Now I will give a bit of background info so you understand. When in year 4 my son was bullied so much he started to starve himself at school and then slowly at home. On one occasion the bullies threw his bag into a tree and laughed. Seems like child play right? Not when it happened most days and teachers were fed up with it they just didn’t care and stopped trying to get his bag out for him!
He would have his coat taken and hidden on a daily basis, his shoes hidden, packed lunch. He was spiralling into depression and acting out a lot at home. The end was me pulling him out of school to home educate him. He was having packed lunches and not eating I went to several times and the conclusion was to give him something else he would like for instance a Greggs sausage roll yes the school suggested an unhealthy food! Just to get him eating day two of me buying him one on the way to school he came home with it still in his bag.

The school then put in place where my son would be escorted to dinner sat with and watched while he ate. Day one of that my son come home again with a full packed lunch. Asked why the teacher did not watch him and he was told he had to go to her at dinner time which meant walking through the school and past bullies.
So another trip in and they agreed they would collect him from class and go to the dinner hall with him day one all his food gone day two none eaten. Asked him why and his response the teacher left me with another student and which student? One of his bullies!

So he was home-schooled in year 6 he was finally offered a place at a school which said they would watch him and make sure he was ok and guess what they did! For that whole year yes he got bullied but it was resolved the same day not weeks later like the old school. Six weeks before he left year 6 we moved and he went to a new school.

Then he went to the high school skip 3 months after him starting high school and we are here today him at home been home-schooled a broken child that cries for just about any reason these days.

You see while it was going on for three months I did not find out until the third month I found out on Instagram! I was checking his phone and seeing comments like “Go crawl under a rock” “Bruv you got dropped by a girl and cried go away” “Lol Kyle you got a dropped by a girl go crawl in your hole” ” You should just jump off a cliff no wait a stone is high enough for you”

Asking my son what they meant by he got dropped by a girl and what happened. He shrugged it off like it was nothing. I asked him about the other comments and he again shrugged it off like it was nothing. Sat there though, thinking about it I started to realize things from before, he was withdrawn and cried for any reason. If I told him to put something down it could take me up to 10 times to say it before he realized and did then would again start crying. He was coming home eating one or 2 chips or pieces of chicken claiming he was full.
So I put him on a packed lunch because before that he was spending average £4 to £6 a day! Packed lunches came home empty some days but he still claimed he was not hungry at tea time. How could one sandwich fill him up to the point he did not feel hungry for the rest of the day? So I finally got him to accept it and he took the evidence to school. He said he had told them about the girl who pushed him to the floor and repeatedly kicked him and nothing had been done. The cyber bullies he reported the first teacher explained there is always going to be a positive and negative outcome of social media! A negative outcome is people saying they do not like your video or disagreeing with a view you have, not saying a child should climb under a rock or jump off a cliff! That is cyber bullying, not negative attention! To then for him to be told by the same teacher it was him who caused it by joining Instagram!

Forget Instagram it has started before that! In school, his own cousin telling people he needed to be taught a lesson and laughing to my face when telling me my son had to go back to school cause one of his friends kicked him in the back of the legs and tried wiping him out! This child was meant to be in isolation for a day but refused to go so no punishment but still bullied my son!
So my son told the school on the Thursday about the kids from school on Instagram showing them what was said. The school did nothing till the following Thursday! They told my son the issue had been resolved so obviously my son believed and said he was happy with the outcome! That night the exact same thing happened again! He went to school and told the teachers for again nothing to be done.

Now into the Christmas holidays, I witnessed myself the nasty vile work of these bullies! Calling my son on facebook messenger threatening to beat him for apparently telling people he was going to beat up his sister. His sister been the girl who threw him to the floor and beat my son up! When she was confronted for a name of who told her this she could not say she panicked saying James, Jake, Jack or someone starting with a J?
Yeah, so no proof asked if she knew his year and no she did not know what year he was in. Asked if she could point him out to the school to teachers and no she said she can’t remember what he looks like?

They then proceeded to call my son names down the phone not knowing it was on speaker phone and I was listening when I heard enough I spoke up and the whole story changed they accused my son of just calling them names on the phone. Said they did nothing wrong when they realized I had been listening to the whole time they hung up and messaged saying they were going to get him at school.
So I withdrew him, It is disgusting to think bullying no longer stays in school. The head teachers response was just awful! Saying the teacher explained the risks of social media to Kyle. Not that she tried to resolve it so the first teacher he told shrugged it off, The other teacher took so long to apparently resolve that they assumed Kyle was happy because they told him the day before term ended that it was sorted. He told them on Friday it was not and their response they did not have time to investigate as it was the end of the term. Plus they did not know if it was in school out of school or on social media! So my son told them what happened did not make it clear that it was all three although he did.
The girl even though I mentioned it three times in the email how she was not punished or even spoken to regarding throwing him on the floor and kicking him was ignored the head teacher did not even comment on that.

Its been a while

Some of you follow my other blog and will understand this blog post more then others.  Take a look at my account and click crying with mental pain
I love writing blogs recently I have struggled I just don’t feel confident in what I write or that people will find it interesting. 
Although to be honest I don’t write for subscribes or comments I write as a form of release a form of mental relief because sometimes there is so much in my mind I struggle to think straight. 
This week has been good but hard mentally things in life are moving forward which is great. 
I still have not gambled i am enjoying the gym and seeing more of my family I just don’t feel like I’m over what has happened.

Stress control course and huge changes 

So today was day one of this 6 week course.  Every Monday I go to the course and get new information to help control stress.
But before that I started implementing a morning wake up routine and schedule! 
5am my Alarm rang I could easily have switched it off for another hour and half but no I got straight up! 

Drank a full glass of water splashed my face with water to help wake me up.

Then meditation followed by exercise.

Light reading, writing, affirmations and Visualisation.
I felt great and ready to achieve my day and handle anything that tried to knock me down!  
My morning was less stressful I even got the kids meditating.

It is never too early to start them with a good habit that can help them so much in life! 

So then along to the course I went.

Apparently depression and anxiety are closely linked to stress and often been able to control some of your stress can actually help with your anxiety and depression as well.

It’s not like counseling, no sharing stories etc just information on how to basically be your own counsellor! 
So far it seems good we get a booklet each week to take home read through and complete and try implement into our lives to help reduce stress and in turn help with anxiety and depression.

I have even started my new clean healthy eating again.

Tomorrow is day 2 of the new me! Up early with some be time to do my meditation and other important things.

Followed by a day keeping busy, working and relaxing! 

What made you depressed?  Gamble?  My story to explain part 2

So in the last part I went into my upbringing.  I spoke about what I saw, heard and watched growing up.  I explained how I lost the only person who I truly felt understood me that I could talk to and I was never taught about love.
Was I loved?? Sure but been loved simply is not enough growing up.  Kids need to be cuddled kissed and spoken to reassured that things will be OK and taught about love.

Unfortunately for me that was not the case I can’t remember a time my mum actually cuddled or kissed me and said she loved me.  I do remember my dad saying it before I went to bed.

So what happened next?   I realised I was not in love and cancelled the wedding left my finance and was with someone else who made me feel loved.  I was pregnant and had to say goodbye to the most important person in my life.
My son was born on April 18th 2006 he was my world.  My partner and mum was with me but even having my son I still had that space missing inside me.

I moved into my own house with my son and partner to say it was hard would be a lie it was awful my first ever time living alone with a baby.  Yes I had my partner but been young as well he didn’t really help.  I didn’t live near my family we moved close to his so he could be near his family.  Which meant I was stuck in, I struggled to go out with my son.  Feeling isolated and depressed I was so glad when we had issues with the house and I moved back to my dad’s.

But it certainly was not that simple.  You see my sister lived at home with my dad along with my other sister and her 2kids plus my little brother.  So a 3 bedroom house shared between 8 of us was not easy.  But that didn’t even cover the other issues overcrowded yes.  How about drinking??  I mean this was my family right so you can guarantee there was a lot of parties and drinking.
And of course with my family where drink and parties are involved you have to expect arguments and fights.  It was not something I wanted my son to be brought up around or seeing.
I didn’t drink and believed it was a bad thing him seeing what I had to growing up.

So again I moved this time my partner moved in again but soon after we split.  So again living miles away from my own family I became depressed.  Lonely I needed to find some friends.  There was so many websites out there for mums.  I was on Facebook and netmums but honestly netmums was hard!! 
So I created my own website for mums and soon it was featured in a magazine.  A few of the ladies including myself booked a family holiday together!!   Yes 4 complete strangers their kids and partners well not mine cause I didn’t have one went on holiday together it was amazing.

I soon got back with my partner and in 2010 I got pregnant it was a hard pregnancy I developed ocd heart issues anemia then on 3rd February 2011 we where blessed with twin girls. The labour was hard it was actually a my mum and sister with me until there was complications.  So afterwards my mum would not come to my other births because it was apparently to hard for her to see how close I was to losing them.

They changed my world hard is a understatement but 100% worth every second even to this day they are perfect.

I felt great then on 20th may 2012 we had another girl.  I was on labour around 30 minutes before see arrived with only my sister there for support.

Now things got worse, I struggled to get out the house my partner was no help.  I had 3 kids aged 1 and under plus a 6 year old I felt anxious like everyone everywhere was looking at me judging me.  I ended up going to school and back and nothing else.  I worked online but still felt isolated no family came to see me no one rang to see how I was doing I felt alone.
Then again in 2014 I had another girl.

She was perfect more then prefect!!  The pregnancy was a battle I suffered heart palpitations, needed blood transfusions, iron infusions but she made it and so did I.
Labour started early hours of 15/03/2014 I couldn’t believe it I rang my sister who was meant to be my birthing partner to tell me her and my mum had been out drinking and ring back later.

Sat there with my partner I cried in panic no one could go with me he couldn’t leave the kids.  So a ambulance was sent first the fast response arrived 10 minutes after my waters broke then a few minutes later the ambulance arrived.
Getting to the hospital I didn’t get taken to the labour ward.  Yes I was in labour but they insisted on me going to the assessment unit where they then said I couldn’t be moved and would have her there! 
Amazingly me by myself with 2 strangers I delivered my perfect 8lb 9Oz daughter crying with relief. After she arrived I realised something it was my nanas birthday.  In tears of joy an hour later my mum and sister arrived saying I should have called!   I did but how great would that look having two drunk people with you in labour.
They where talking about names and I had to even tell my mum you realise what today is don’t you and I had to tell her it was her own mothers birthday!   My precious baby was born in my nanas birthday it felt amazing and like a sign from her.
Obviously I struggled more 5 kids and 4 where aged 3 and under.  But I loved it I thought I was coping so well.
That was until January this year when I realised I had a gambling addiction.  My anxiety ocd and depression was just hidden or masked by my addiction I was not doing well at all but honestly I would never change it for the  world.

That mummy you judge!  Is already broken 

I am far from perfect just so you know.

I gave my child a chocolate early this morning to praise her for been so brave.

While you walk past me tutting calling me names.

The supermarket is their favorite place that’s right to scream and roll around on the floor.

While you watch me like I’m doing bad of course.

Yesterday I didn’t clean I didn’t see the point anymore you only come in and make it worse then before.

So then i have a unexpected visitor looking at me with disgrace on their face wondering why my house is such a state.

Yesterday was fun on the bus you pressed the bell again and again.

People complained and mutted control your kid not realising I have hearing defects.

Pushing my 6 year old daughter in the buggy to her next chemo appointment.

The mums stared and shook their heads as I sped up the pace 

Pictures of my 4yr old asleep with a dummy without it he would forget to breath it’s his life line tonight.

The social media police mummy crew out in force sharing my pictures what a horrid mum they would taunt.

My child screams and falls to the floor demanding to be picked up of course because his little legs can’t take no more.

While those who walk by passing judgements of course.
You see I am not a perfect mum and I highly doubt you are either.

We try our best to only do right but never seem to please you either.

Yes I am a mum who’s child is doing that but please look deeper before passing remarks.

You see i try be a perfect mum just like you and im sure you understand this to.

That no matter what you do there’s always someone there pointing and saying what a bad parent you are! 

Before you pass judgement on me or any other mum how about you think about the mum.

This mum didn’t sleep till gone midnight her baby teething all through the night.

Then off course at half past 4 the toddler wakes been sick on the floor.

Now it’s just gone 6:30 the mum got just a few hours sleep so getting ready she packs everything they need for the day forgetting the babies blankie of course

Just you remember when you see her just what it would have taken to be here.

How about some praise a quick “your doing great!”  so she feels amazed.

Rather then that disgusted look on your face! 

Now just think of this!  You do not know what that mum is going through or even the child.  You see that child could have just lost his daddy.  Or maybe their mummy just lost her mummy.

Maybe not that but how about this??  she’s already depressed and in bits.  That mummy you judge is just trying her best but all she can think is its a mess.

No money for a toy, the house is broken, she has no family anymore and was left broken.

What made you depressed? Gamble? I guess here is my story to explain Part One

I honestly do not understand how people expect anyone to know that answer?

What made you depressed?  Well if I could pick I would choose but I can’t and you can not know exactly what made you depressed.


What made you Gamble?  Well that one is easier it was the depression, anxiety, ocd, loneliness, lack of friends, lack of support, feeling unwanted, feeling unloved, Stuck in the house shall I carry on?  Again its hard to pin point but with gambling it would have been a mixture of everything.

Another questions I get asked “Why didn’t you speak to someone I am sure you had someone who would listen?”  This question will be answered below!


So lets go back in time before I had kids, before I gambled and before I became depressed.  I am one of 7 kids, It was great growing up at first.  However like all families ours had issues.  At around 8 years old we moved and between the age of 8 and 13 we actually moved a total of 11 times!


To start with we where the family who did not sit in someones house until told, No going out the garden, Must be able to be seen from the window at all times the usual.  We respected our elders, Went to church everything.  But trying to make a family perfect does not stop it flaws and does not make it perfect.  My siblings started drinking, Drugs, having kids etc.  Growing up I seen fights, woke to things been smashed people shouting.  Doors banging, Police sirens everything.

Coming home after school to find people in the garden drinking, Drinking until all hours with music on loud.  In several house fires, Watch as a car is drove through our neighbors fence and police chasing the family member through our house. Carrying out blankets and pillows from our mums house to our dads to stay the night.  Living in a hostel and acting like we didn’t go round the corner to meet our dad because if the owners knew they would throw us out!  It was a women’s only hostel.  Been sat down and told to choose if I wanted to stay living with my mum or move and live with my dad.  Learning a lot of things on your own because you was forgotten about.  Watching as someone stamped on your pet hamsters and threw them against the wall laughing!  Having to be escorted out your home by police riot vans because people wanted to burn it down with us in it!


Life certainly was not easy after the age of 5 or 6, The things I remember can have me in tears for hours if I allowed it to!  I remember that day my parents split up perfectly.  The night before as usual arguing, fighting shouting etc.  The next day my sisters birthday my dad in our room cuddling us crying and apologizing. Explaining why we had to move to a hostel and saying he would make it up to my sister for ruining her birthday.  Everyone in the family went off course, drugs, drink, skipping school, police, pregnancy.  You name it I have seen most things.


I remember I had a cat, which unfortunately got pregnant after having kittens.  I remember they where meant to take them and dump them somewhere to be found but no instead the cruel torture happened.  Laughing as they attempted to drawn the kittens and because it did not work snapping their necks.  Followed by one coming through the room and shaking the bag in front of me.  I was about 15 what was I meant to do? I had not had any support for years.  I had only one person I could truly talk to.  Going through my periods I was alone again no one to turn to.  School work started dropping, losing concentration unable to sleep at night.

So my escape the person I could speak to was my Nana, I would go on my news round to earn money for sanity towels, etc then spend time with my Nana,  She lived in a complex for elderly people who had their own little flats with the cords for help.  Morning check in’s etc.  I was not allowed to sleep over but often the warden when she did catch me she did not say anything.  She just gave my Nana the look of now what has happened and sympathy knowing what was happening.  She got used to me sleeping there.


I built a strong bond with my Nana in that time, She was the person I was closet to.  At 17 I met someone, Stupidly got engaged.  Paid loads off a wedding dress everything!  My nana met him and as always would laugh and call him names for not been Scottish.  I honestly though I was in love!  I mean how would I know?  Yes I was loved by my parents and siblings but never shown love, never taught about love.  So yes I made mistakes yes I got engaged at just 17!  But then I meet someone else.


I am not proud of it but rather then breaking up with my partner I started seeing this other guy.  There was something there it was different.  With my partner it was more I wanted to feel loved and that I needed to feel like I was wanted.

With this new guy I actually felt loved, needed, and wanted.  I realized at that moment I did not love him  and had no idea what to do but knew I had to break up with him and cancelling the whole wedding.


It certainly was not easy at all and a few months later I found out I was pregnant.  I was grateful I felt like I was losing control of my life like I was about to follow the rest of my siblings on the long road to failure and mistakes.

I remember the last time I seen my nana she was living with my aunty I was around 4 months pregnant and remember how weak she was.  Sat with her alone it was like old times talking to her.  She asked me if I was happy now and before I replied she said “You do not need to answer I can see you are”  Even now it brings tears to my eyes the fact she knew while I was engaged in the previous relationship that I was not happy she supported me and just waited for me to go to her for support.

She kept rubbing my stomach telling me my prince would keep me going.  Telling me to stay strong and everything would turn out right.  At the time I didn’t get it her rubbing my stomach telling me my prince would keep me going.  It was only a few days later when I truly realized what she meant!  She was saying good bye, She was telling me my son would help me through her death.

Because on the 28th November 2005, I woke up to a call.  I had stayed at my partner that night and when I woke that morning and heard them words my whole world crumbled!  Getting myself up and making my way to my dads I could not stop myself from crying.  At the bus station waiting for the second bus my ex seen me.  It was the strangest but most comforting thing.  He asked how my nana was when I told him at first he didn’t believe me but then realized I meant it.  It was what I needed I had to tell someone because I didn’t want to hold it in and he knew just how close I was to my Nana.


That night I laid there and that is when I realized what my Nana had been telling me.  She was saying good bye, I had not seen her in around 3 months because of how far away she moved.  That was her last goodbye to me.  Reminding me that I had my son to get me through it and it certainly helped!


I remember going to see her at the morgue to say a final good by and kiss her good night. It would feel weird never seeing her again, Never hearing her jokes about English folk.  Never having her to turn to for help support or just someone who knew me so well.



So when people ask me this is why I felt like I had no one to talk to!  This is why I did not show my feelings for so many years and how so much got out of control so quickly!  This is part one of two the second part I will post tonight.


This here is my wonderful Nana my best friend and no one will ever make me feel how she did.  Amazingly in 2014 on her birthday I gave birth to a baby girl!

In memory of Helen O’Donnell 15/03/1920-28/11/2005




38 days gamble free date night and new hair cut 

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So yesterday for the first time in ages me and my partner had a date night or rather date afternoon.  With 5 kids the only time we get together alone is when the kids are in bed.  Which normally means I’m out cold just as fast as they are.
It was lovely we went into town and had a walk along the canal followed by a pub for a  drink.  It was amazing how relaxed and happy I felt in those three hours.

So today is day 38 of not gambling seems like it’s more like month 38 while it feels like it’s gone quick it also has gone slow.  But every day I feel better and more like I’m achieving something new.

Today I cut my hair.  It was down to my hips but so damaged from my OCD I never felt comfortable outside without a hat on.
Just see this video to see just how short some bits where because of my OCD.

So I decided on a style I  chose this one or as similar as possible with my hair been damaged.

As she cut the hair I watched it drop to the floor I honestly thought I would feel sad or anxious but no in actually felt happy and relaxed.  I didn’t feel like I needed to hide under a hat any more.

I mean I would wear the hat every where and feel anxious if I couldn’t find it.   When the time came to go outside I would panic if it wasn’t where I thought it was thinking I can’t go outside without my hat.
Well here is the start project

And my end project

I honestly love it and I don’t feel like people are staring wondering why my hair looked so bad even wearing a hat you could see the damage on the longer parts.
I am now also booked into a 6 week course for therapy.  They will help with my anxiety first because that is the worst out of the depression and ocd.
Things are starting to look up.  And I can not wait to reach 2 months gamble free!!

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