Its been a while

Some of you follow my other blog and will understand this blog post more then others.  Take a look at my account and click crying with mental pain
I love writing blogs recently I have struggled I just don’t feel confident in what I write or that people will find it interesting. 
Although to be honest I don’t write for subscribes or comments I write as a form of release a form of mental relief because sometimes there is so much in my mind I struggle to think straight. 
This week has been good but hard mentally things in life are moving forward which is great. 
I still have not gambled i am enjoying the gym and seeing more of my family I just don’t feel like I’m over what has happened.

Stress control course and huge changes 

So today was day one of this 6 week course.  Every Monday I go to the course and get new information to help control stress.
But before that I started implementing a morning wake up routine and schedule! 
5am my Alarm rang I could easily have switched it off for another hour and half but no I got straight up! 

Drank a full glass of water splashed my face with water to help wake me up.

Then meditation followed by exercise.

Light reading, writing, affirmations and Visualisation.
I felt great and ready to achieve my day and handle anything that tried to knock me down!  
My morning was less stressful I even got the kids meditating.

It is never too early to start them with a good habit that can help them so much in life! 

So then along to the course I went.

Apparently depression and anxiety are closely linked to stress and often been able to control some of your stress can actually help with your anxiety and depression as well.

It’s not like counseling, no sharing stories etc just information on how to basically be your own counsellor! 
So far it seems good we get a booklet each week to take home read through and complete and try implement into our lives to help reduce stress and in turn help with anxiety and depression.

I have even started my new clean healthy eating again.

Tomorrow is day 2 of the new me! Up early with some be time to do my meditation and other important things.

Followed by a day keeping busy, working and relaxing! 

What made you depressed?  Gamble?  My story to explain part 2

So in the last part I went into my upbringing.  I spoke about what I saw, heard and watched growing up.  I explained how I lost the only person who I truly felt understood me that I could talk to and I was never taught about love.
Was I loved?? Sure but been loved simply is not enough growing up.  Kids need to be cuddled kissed and spoken to reassured that things will be OK and taught about love.

Unfortunately for me that was not the case I can’t remember a time my mum actually cuddled or kissed me and said she loved me.  I do remember my dad saying it before I went to bed.

So what happened next?   I realised I was not in love and cancelled the wedding left my finance and was with someone else who made me feel loved.  I was pregnant and had to say goodbye to the most important person in my life.
My son was born on April 18th 2006 he was my world.  My partner and mum was with me but even having my son I still had that space missing inside me.

I moved into my own house with my son and partner to say it was hard would be a lie it was awful my first ever time living alone with a baby.  Yes I had my partner but been young as well he didn’t really help.  I didn’t live near my family we moved close to his so he could be near his family.  Which meant I was stuck in, I struggled to go out with my son.  Feeling isolated and depressed I was so glad when we had issues with the house and I moved back to my dad’s.

But it certainly was not that simple.  You see my sister lived at home with my dad along with my other sister and her 2kids plus my little brother.  So a 3 bedroom house shared between 8 of us was not easy.  But that didn’t even cover the other issues overcrowded yes.  How about drinking??  I mean this was my family right so you can guarantee there was a lot of parties and drinking.
And of course with my family where drink and parties are involved you have to expect arguments and fights.  It was not something I wanted my son to be brought up around or seeing.
I didn’t drink and believed it was a bad thing him seeing what I had to growing up.

So again I moved this time my partner moved in again but soon after we split.  So again living miles away from my own family I became depressed.  Lonely I needed to find some friends.  There was so many websites out there for mums.  I was on Facebook and netmums but honestly netmums was hard!! 
So I created my own website for mums and soon it was featured in a magazine.  A few of the ladies including myself booked a family holiday together!!   Yes 4 complete strangers their kids and partners well not mine cause I didn’t have one went on holiday together it was amazing.

I soon got back with my partner and in 2010 I got pregnant it was a hard pregnancy I developed ocd heart issues anemia then on 3rd February 2011 we where blessed with twin girls. The labour was hard it was actually a my mum and sister with me until there was complications.  So afterwards my mum would not come to my other births because it was apparently to hard for her to see how close I was to losing them.

They changed my world hard is a understatement but 100% worth every second even to this day they are perfect.

I felt great then on 20th may 2012 we had another girl.  I was on labour around 30 minutes before see arrived with only my sister there for support.

Now things got worse, I struggled to get out the house my partner was no help.  I had 3 kids aged 1 and under plus a 6 year old I felt anxious like everyone everywhere was looking at me judging me.  I ended up going to school and back and nothing else.  I worked online but still felt isolated no family came to see me no one rang to see how I was doing I felt alone.
Then again in 2014 I had another girl.

She was perfect more then prefect!!  The pregnancy was a battle I suffered heart palpitations, needed blood transfusions, iron infusions but she made it and so did I.
Labour started early hours of 15/03/2014 I couldn’t believe it I rang my sister who was meant to be my birthing partner to tell me her and my mum had been out drinking and ring back later.

Sat there with my partner I cried in panic no one could go with me he couldn’t leave the kids.  So a ambulance was sent first the fast response arrived 10 minutes after my waters broke then a few minutes later the ambulance arrived.
Getting to the hospital I didn’t get taken to the labour ward.  Yes I was in labour but they insisted on me going to the assessment unit where they then said I couldn’t be moved and would have her there! 
Amazingly me by myself with 2 strangers I delivered my perfect 8lb 9Oz daughter crying with relief. After she arrived I realised something it was my nanas birthday.  In tears of joy an hour later my mum and sister arrived saying I should have called!   I did but how great would that look having two drunk people with you in labour.
They where talking about names and I had to even tell my mum you realise what today is don’t you and I had to tell her it was her own mothers birthday!   My precious baby was born in my nanas birthday it felt amazing and like a sign from her.
Obviously I struggled more 5 kids and 4 where aged 3 and under.  But I loved it I thought I was coping so well.
That was until January this year when I realised I had a gambling addiction.  My anxiety ocd and depression was just hidden or masked by my addiction I was not doing well at all but honestly I would never change it for the  world.

That mummy you judge!  Is already broken 

I am far from perfect just so you know.

I gave my child a chocolate early this morning to praise her for been so brave.

While you walk past me tutting calling me names.

The supermarket is their favorite place that’s right to scream and roll around on the floor.

While you watch me like I’m doing bad of course.

Yesterday I didn’t clean I didn’t see the point anymore you only come in and make it worse then before.

So then i have a unexpected visitor looking at me with disgrace on their face wondering why my house is such a state.

Yesterday was fun on the bus you pressed the bell again and again.

People complained and mutted control your kid not realising I have hearing defects.

Pushing my 6 year old daughter in the buggy to her next chemo appointment.

The mums stared and shook their heads as I sped up the pace 

Pictures of my 4yr old asleep with a dummy without it he would forget to breath it’s his life line tonight.

The social media police mummy crew out in force sharing my pictures what a horrid mum they would taunt.

My child screams and falls to the floor demanding to be picked up of course because his little legs can’t take no more.

While those who walk by passing judgements of course.
You see I am not a perfect mum and I highly doubt you are either.

We try our best to only do right but never seem to please you either.

Yes I am a mum who’s child is doing that but please look deeper before passing remarks.

You see i try be a perfect mum just like you and im sure you understand this to.

That no matter what you do there’s always someone there pointing and saying what a bad parent you are! 

Before you pass judgement on me or any other mum how about you think about the mum.

This mum didn’t sleep till gone midnight her baby teething all through the night.

Then off course at half past 4 the toddler wakes been sick on the floor.

Now it’s just gone 6:30 the mum got just a few hours sleep so getting ready she packs everything they need for the day forgetting the babies blankie of course

Just you remember when you see her just what it would have taken to be here.

How about some praise a quick “your doing great!”  so she feels amazed.

Rather then that disgusted look on your face! 

Now just think of this!  You do not know what that mum is going through or even the child.  You see that child could have just lost his daddy.  Or maybe their mummy just lost her mummy.

Maybe not that but how about this??  she’s already depressed and in bits.  That mummy you judge is just trying her best but all she can think is its a mess.

No money for a toy, the house is broken, she has no family anymore and was left broken.

What made you depressed? Gamble? I guess here is my story to explain Part One

I honestly do not understand how people expect anyone to know that answer?

What made you depressed?  Well if I could pick I would choose but I can’t and you can not know exactly what made you depressed.


What made you Gamble?  Well that one is easier it was the depression, anxiety, ocd, loneliness, lack of friends, lack of support, feeling unwanted, feeling unloved, Stuck in the house shall I carry on?  Again its hard to pin point but with gambling it would have been a mixture of everything.

Another questions I get asked “Why didn’t you speak to someone I am sure you had someone who would listen?”  This question will be answered below!


So lets go back in time before I had kids, before I gambled and before I became depressed.  I am one of 7 kids, It was great growing up at first.  However like all families ours had issues.  At around 8 years old we moved and between the age of 8 and 13 we actually moved a total of 11 times!


To start with we where the family who did not sit in someones house until told, No going out the garden, Must be able to be seen from the window at all times the usual.  We respected our elders, Went to church everything.  But trying to make a family perfect does not stop it flaws and does not make it perfect.  My siblings started drinking, Drugs, having kids etc.  Growing up I seen fights, woke to things been smashed people shouting.  Doors banging, Police sirens everything.

Coming home after school to find people in the garden drinking, Drinking until all hours with music on loud.  In several house fires, Watch as a car is drove through our neighbors fence and police chasing the family member through our house. Carrying out blankets and pillows from our mums house to our dads to stay the night.  Living in a hostel and acting like we didn’t go round the corner to meet our dad because if the owners knew they would throw us out!  It was a women’s only hostel.  Been sat down and told to choose if I wanted to stay living with my mum or move and live with my dad.  Learning a lot of things on your own because you was forgotten about.  Watching as someone stamped on your pet hamsters and threw them against the wall laughing!  Having to be escorted out your home by police riot vans because people wanted to burn it down with us in it!


Life certainly was not easy after the age of 5 or 6, The things I remember can have me in tears for hours if I allowed it to!  I remember that day my parents split up perfectly.  The night before as usual arguing, fighting shouting etc.  The next day my sisters birthday my dad in our room cuddling us crying and apologizing. Explaining why we had to move to a hostel and saying he would make it up to my sister for ruining her birthday.  Everyone in the family went off course, drugs, drink, skipping school, police, pregnancy.  You name it I have seen most things.


I remember I had a cat, which unfortunately got pregnant after having kittens.  I remember they where meant to take them and dump them somewhere to be found but no instead the cruel torture happened.  Laughing as they attempted to drawn the kittens and because it did not work snapping their necks.  Followed by one coming through the room and shaking the bag in front of me.  I was about 15 what was I meant to do? I had not had any support for years.  I had only one person I could truly talk to.  Going through my periods I was alone again no one to turn to.  School work started dropping, losing concentration unable to sleep at night.

So my escape the person I could speak to was my Nana, I would go on my news round to earn money for sanity towels, etc then spend time with my Nana,  She lived in a complex for elderly people who had their own little flats with the cords for help.  Morning check in’s etc.  I was not allowed to sleep over but often the warden when she did catch me she did not say anything.  She just gave my Nana the look of now what has happened and sympathy knowing what was happening.  She got used to me sleeping there.


I built a strong bond with my Nana in that time, She was the person I was closet to.  At 17 I met someone, Stupidly got engaged.  Paid loads off a wedding dress everything!  My nana met him and as always would laugh and call him names for not been Scottish.  I honestly though I was in love!  I mean how would I know?  Yes I was loved by my parents and siblings but never shown love, never taught about love.  So yes I made mistakes yes I got engaged at just 17!  But then I meet someone else.


I am not proud of it but rather then breaking up with my partner I started seeing this other guy.  There was something there it was different.  With my partner it was more I wanted to feel loved and that I needed to feel like I was wanted.

With this new guy I actually felt loved, needed, and wanted.  I realized at that moment I did not love him  and had no idea what to do but knew I had to break up with him and cancelling the whole wedding.


It certainly was not easy at all and a few months later I found out I was pregnant.  I was grateful I felt like I was losing control of my life like I was about to follow the rest of my siblings on the long road to failure and mistakes.

I remember the last time I seen my nana she was living with my aunty I was around 4 months pregnant and remember how weak she was.  Sat with her alone it was like old times talking to her.  She asked me if I was happy now and before I replied she said “You do not need to answer I can see you are”  Even now it brings tears to my eyes the fact she knew while I was engaged in the previous relationship that I was not happy she supported me and just waited for me to go to her for support.

She kept rubbing my stomach telling me my prince would keep me going.  Telling me to stay strong and everything would turn out right.  At the time I didn’t get it her rubbing my stomach telling me my prince would keep me going.  It was only a few days later when I truly realized what she meant!  She was saying good bye, She was telling me my son would help me through her death.

Because on the 28th November 2005, I woke up to a call.  I had stayed at my partner that night and when I woke that morning and heard them words my whole world crumbled!  Getting myself up and making my way to my dads I could not stop myself from crying.  At the bus station waiting for the second bus my ex seen me.  It was the strangest but most comforting thing.  He asked how my nana was when I told him at first he didn’t believe me but then realized I meant it.  It was what I needed I had to tell someone because I didn’t want to hold it in and he knew just how close I was to my Nana.


That night I laid there and that is when I realized what my Nana had been telling me.  She was saying good bye, I had not seen her in around 3 months because of how far away she moved.  That was her last goodbye to me.  Reminding me that I had my son to get me through it and it certainly helped!


I remember going to see her at the morgue to say a final good by and kiss her good night. It would feel weird never seeing her again, Never hearing her jokes about English folk.  Never having her to turn to for help support or just someone who knew me so well.



So when people ask me this is why I felt like I had no one to talk to!  This is why I did not show my feelings for so many years and how so much got out of control so quickly!  This is part one of two the second part I will post tonight.


This here is my wonderful Nana my best friend and no one will ever make me feel how she did.  Amazingly in 2014 on her birthday I gave birth to a baby girl!

In memory of Helen O’Donnell 15/03/1920-28/11/2005




38 days gamble free date night and new hair cut 

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So yesterday for the first time in ages me and my partner had a date night or rather date afternoon.  With 5 kids the only time we get together alone is when the kids are in bed.  Which normally means I’m out cold just as fast as they are.
It was lovely we went into town and had a walk along the canal followed by a pub for a  drink.  It was amazing how relaxed and happy I felt in those three hours.

So today is day 38 of not gambling seems like it’s more like month 38 while it feels like it’s gone quick it also has gone slow.  But every day I feel better and more like I’m achieving something new.

Today I cut my hair.  It was down to my hips but so damaged from my OCD I never felt comfortable outside without a hat on.
Just see this video to see just how short some bits where because of my OCD.

So I decided on a style I  chose this one or as similar as possible with my hair been damaged.

As she cut the hair I watched it drop to the floor I honestly thought I would feel sad or anxious but no in actually felt happy and relaxed.  I didn’t feel like I needed to hide under a hat any more.

I mean I would wear the hat every where and feel anxious if I couldn’t find it.   When the time came to go outside I would panic if it wasn’t where I thought it was thinking I can’t go outside without my hat.
Well here is the start project

And my end project

I honestly love it and I don’t feel like people are staring wondering why my hair looked so bad even wearing a hat you could see the damage on the longer parts.
I am now also booked into a 6 week course for therapy.  They will help with my anxiety first because that is the worst out of the depression and ocd.
Things are starting to look up.  And I can not wait to reach 2 months gamble free!!

Depression, Anxiety, ocd, Addiction and adult coloring review 

I so needed a hobbie like badly since stopping gambling I realised that was in a weird twisted way my hobbie.  I guess though it’s just the same for a alcoholic or drug user it becomes their expensive hobbie just like mine.
And expensive it certainly was.  With the money I had deposited I could have gone on holiday around 13 times if it cost around £1200 each holiday.  I could have bought a car I don’t drive so while people would be thinking that would be a waste it wouldn’t because then I would a physical thing to show with this 14k I lost.

I could have hired a full time nanny or cleaner.  I could have put a deposit down for a house or even got my business off to a better start.  I could have hired an amazing guitar tutor, payed for several years gym membership.  The list is endless! 
But no way at the time gambling was my hobbie my only hobbie.  While I thought the other things I did was my hobbies they where more like those one of fun things you decide to do.
Gambling was certainly my hobbie and now it’s gone I find my mind searching for it, searching for the hobbie it misses.  Asking in Facebook for ideas for what hobbies are good and inexpensive.  The last thing I want to do is be spending loads on another hobbie!

Stitching, crochet, drawing, yoga, travelling, running, swimming, candle making, soap making the list was endless.
After a few hours of looking and thinking I came to a conclusion.  First was adult coloring books.  Yes that is right because it’s meant to be amazing for helping with mental illnesses and stress etc.

Then I decided OK how about week day mornings while kids are at school and nursery.  I do a work out dvd and a yoga dvd.  I have the equipment so it won’t cost a thing!
Then why not continue with blogging.  Since starting this blog I have found a real love and hobbie I did not realise it before.  Now I do, while I love sharing my story and my family life I wanted to do something different as well.  So I started embrace and love your body blog.  That blog will feature recipes, healthy tips, exercises and reviews from products and work out dvds I am going to be using.
So let’s talk about coloring and does it really help?   I have to say yes it does.  OK it’s not a cure I’m not 100 % better but it helps.
I have noticed while coloring I’m the adult coloring books I hair pick less, which means it distracts me from my ocd.  I seem more relaxed as well with everything that has been happening.  Honestly I have felt in edge constantly waiting for something bad to happen.  While I’m coloring and for some time after it seems settled my anxiety as well.  As I said is not a cure I’m not better but I do believe that these books actually help your state of mind of will for most.

The designs are do different from simple easy designs to complicated mind boggling illusions.  However there is no wrong way of doing them that’s the beauty of these books.  While some love simple coloured techniques others love complicated time consuming designs.

For me I would have to say try it do not just start it and it it down instantly get into it.  Think about the pattern, what colours would you like to use?  Which colours where.
Afterwards comment below and let me know what you think!   Have you tried coloring as a hobbie or way or helping your mental state?   If so let me know below how you found it.

Good bye long locks 

Well I’m having to say goodbye to my hair!!   It has taken so long to grow back but because of how bad my anxiety and ocd have been my hair is totally destroyed.
This is it now it looks prefect in this picture doesn’t it??  Amazing actually but guess what pictures are deceiving.

So it is half way down my back right now but no one sees it ever other then in pictures because of how bad it really like!!  So I wear a hat when ever I am out!
With summer coming I don’t want to have to and one way to not have to wear a hat that is to have it all cut off and start again, why?   Because it will get rid of all the damaged hair plus all the split ends only around 10% of my hair is actually healthy and undamaged.

Just look at these!!

So the best way I can think of it is to say good bye to my hair!   Now people have said get layers that would work of my hair was not so damaged but so much is short and it cut into layers it would look wonky.
So here’s a few styles I have been looking at getting.

The other good thing is if I have it done I will feel more confident in going out abd opening the door without first grabbing my hat.
Now the issue of who or where is best to go who can do it well with the amount of damage.

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Falling apart 

I thought I was doing good that I had started to achieve something with my anxiety depression and ocd but I guess I was wrong.
Today started great, called into the doctors to sort out my prescription and was told to go back at 10:30 for an appointment.
So I spent the morning walking round shops and meet a friend until I had to go to my appointment.  I know I need the tablets but I honestly wish I didn’t go now.
So let’s talk about why I had to go to the doctors.  I first went on the 27th of January the doctor was rude and unsupportive.  He gave me some tablets to help with my ocd anxiety and depression.

He said to go back in a week for a check up.  On the 10th of February I went back to see another doctor and actually felt like he listened and cared unlike the one I seen the first time.  He said he was happy with my progress and didn’t want me back for a month ifless things got worse.

So the pills I got would last till 25th of this month.  I shouldn’t have needed an appointment until 13th March as the doctor said.  However the pills where not in repeat the receptionist could not help me at all so told me I had to see  doctor.
Well this doctor today made me feel worthless and stupid telling me I should be back in plenty of time telling me I should have been back before now.
I tried explaining to her that one the doctor did not say it was not in repeat two I seen the second doctor 12 days ago and he said there was no need to be back for  month so how was that my fault?   Surely be should have checked I had enough of it wasn’t in repeat?  

Do I left feeling like total rubbish like the first day I went.  The way she spoke was like she was annoyed I was there!!  Yes it took half an hour for her to see my after my appointment time and guess what the whole 40 minutes I sat there not once did she call another patient in.

Back home I tried taking my mind off it but honestly couldn’t which led to me feeling worse.  I then stood there cooking fighting back the tears because I felt like I was the only one who cares about me.  I seem to do everything for me for everyone and I just get told it’s not enough and then ignored.

It’s probably my emotions but it’s how I feel the slightest thing pushes me over and honestly it started today at the doctors she caused it.  I honestly feel like I’m here cooking cleaning while everyone around me expects me to do it all while they sit and do nothing then complain it’s not good enough!! 

Then to top it off the landlord called I couldn’t answer I was already in edge ready to cry so ignored it for him to text and again it’s pushing me to far I.want to hide in a corner be rang abd I instantly though he’s going to show up at the house.  Im still sat there shaking anxiety in overload and losing so much hair drum my ocd because of it.

It reminds me of this song, jar of hearts gambling addiction is just like it, it goes around leaving scars, it breaks up relationships, ending in the person wishing it doesn’t come back to them because then it destroys more of their life.  The same can be said for depression it leaves scars you can’t see, destroys relationships.  Today this seems to be my song 100%

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