What run away parents don’t experience. 

This is something so close to me right now seeing my kids go through it is heart breaking.
It has been over a month since we moved.   That is exactly how long it has been since the kids seen their dad. 
In that month he’s rang them once not asked how they are or anything.  
If your a mum or dad and have walked away from your child no matter what age they are here’s some things you need to know your not seeing. 
Remember this you are the first man or women to break your child’s heart.   You might not think of it that way but imagine knowing your parent didn’t love you!! It would break anyone’s heart However you have broke your own child’s heart not a crush their own parent!!
You don’t see them nights when your baby girl is crying out for her daddy while her mummy knowing he doesn’t care is saying he’s busy and working.
You dont see those days your son comes out of class with a daddy and son day poster asking why his dad can not come.
You dont see your child grow up wondering day to day what that parent is doing and why they don’t care. 
You dont see the excitement on your child’s face when mummy says daddy is coming followed by tears because daddy cancelled. 
There is so much you don’t see that you cause!! You may think we tell our kids you don’t care when infact we don’t we make excuses for you been absent so they don’t know you didn’t love them.
However one day you also miss them never asking about you again getting over the heartbreak and moving on.
We try our hardest to make them think you want to see them but can’t but eventually they realise on their own they was unwanted. 
You don’t see their first day at school, their first exams, first crush, high school, but more importantly their second heart break!
But they have something to thank you for.   They thank you for walking away showing them you didn’t care and making their hearts break but grow up to be stronger and never wanting to hurt their own children in that way. 
Just remember these children owe you nothing so do not come back in years when they are grown up to meet your grandchildren. 

A father who does not care?

So I have not written in the blog for a while, For many reasons really the biggest been there is so much happening right now I didn’t know what to write about and what to leave out.


But tonight I realised something I SHOULD NOT! Leave anything out nothing because any tiny detail could possibly make someone think or realise how important simple things are in their life!


So In April a lot changed! My partner moved out leaving me with the five children not long after that I received a letter through the post regarding eviction.  I spent the first few days keeping busy the kids happy, Easter etc.  To be honest when Easter came I was actually expecting a call or text from the kids dad but nothing.

Slowly I noticed he was not texting or calling, when he did he did not ask how the kids where and rarely asked how I was.  On a few occasions he came to stay but clearly not to see the kids or spend time with me it was for one thing only.

So I carried on trying to keep myself and the kids distracted and not thinking about him to much because he never came to visit.  I was looking for a house as well, trying to ensure my son did good with his year 6 sat’s while also trying to make sure I stayed healthy and eating.

I kept having periods where I would feel like crap but not once did I gamble, Most days I was fine and happy which amazed me the fact on the worst days I did not turn to gambling like most would with an addiction.


I realised slowly how much he upset me, made me feel crap and in general treated me awful.  Like the time the landlord came out to do some repairs the kids dad was with me and his friend however rather then helping he made things worse well for me anyway.

I knew I would need to ask the landlord somethings and I had been working on building up the courage to ask.  However that was quickly shot down by their dad.

“You need to ask the landlord”

“You caused all this yourself”

“None of my family want you or the kids living with them your all slobs”

While turning to his friend and saying he’s not nasty but it is the truth.

So my self esteem and confidence at that point went.  I felt like going in the house locking the door behind me and ignoring everyone.  I didn’t understand why he was so cruel there was no need!  Saying to me “If you don’t find a house you will have to move into your dads cause none of my family want you or the kids living with them your all slobs”


Says the person who shouted at me because I would not carry his dirty washing downstairs, Or leaves plates rubbish and other crap piled high next to the bed, maybe the fact he never helped tidy or said he did but just stood there shouting at everyone telling them what to do.

Saying “The bedroom doesn’t matter that is a personal space no one see’s”  Yet inviting friends into it while his crap is next to the bed?

Me spending ages cleaning and getting stuff sorted for a party for him to say to family “She left it till the last minute and I had to do loads” While in fact he did nothing.

So here I am now sat at my dads with my five kids wondering what the hell my kids did to deserve this? 12Th I moved into my dads the 11th was the last day 4 of the kids seen him the youngest seen him on the 15th only because she went with me and seen him.

No message or call asking how the kids are? No thank you to them posting happy fathers day.  Worst thing is 2 of them know full well he see’s his eldest daughter from before we got together yet he does not seem to care about them.


If he was to read this I know what he would say, “I have been working” “I have been clearing your shit out the house” “I won’t come to your dads” “I don’t like your family”

Yet the fact he can not text to ask how they are or call to speak to them means those excuses are just that excuses!  If he really cared he would call and text he would happily say I will come up saturday and take them out for the day but I know he won’t.

I just hope that soon very soon they stop asking cause honestly I can not make any more excuses for why he isn’t bothered.  I can only do so much I can not force him to want to ring and speak to his kids.  Weird thing is he always said how much he hated my mum for what she did to us walking away yet he he is worse at least she showed she cared a bit she came and seen us, called and we slept at hers.


How anyone can have been in their kids lives for 11, 6, 6, 5 and 3 years and not want to know they are ok makes no sense to me I look at my kids and it breaks my heart knowing in 6 months time they may have seen him 3 or 4 times if that!

I know that breaking that bond with your kids is almost impossible to mend you can not expect to walk out of your child’s life and come back when they are old enough to watch themselves and expect them to love you and welcome you with open arms cause it just does not happen like that!

These children are amazing the fact some dads can not see how amazing and lucky they are to have their children is awful but the fact some dads have kids and choose to see one and not the others to me that does not make him a father it makes him a coward who want’s to pick and chose which children he want’s and if he doesn’t want my children then they will be far better without someone like him.

Crazy?  Me no way! Moving to Scotland? 

So a lot has happened and by that I mean like in my life and the past week I have not posted!! 
I have received my eviction letter and I have until 20th June to move out.
So I have been thinking, what if I leave Leeds? Yes it sounds crazy right?  Me moving from Leeds to Scotland with 5 kids alone.
But I believe it will be a new start something amazing for me and the kids.
Here there has not been many happy times infact 90% have been bad the other 10% have been all about the kids.
So what do I have to lose?  To me nothing I  don’t have anything to lose the kids have nothing to lose.
Well except I’ll be leaving or selling all my stuff and buying new things.
It’s something I think about more and more and each time I do I’m me convinced it’s the right thing to do.  
So am I crazy?  No or maybe I am but I want to give my kids a better life

What a busy roller-coaster time 

That right above is me and has been now for 17 days. At the start I was nervous scared even that I would not be able to do it alone.
But not too far into it I realised I had already been doing it alone for 11 years the biggest difference was most days I don’t have adult conversation except for online!!   But that is sometimes the next conversations ever!! 
Daily I get people messaging me on Facebook asking how I am doing and coping!!  That right there is my support network these people I have built relationships with care about it!! 
So since then, well let’s just say again landlord threatened eviction I told him to go ahead I want out.  However it didn’t happen.
So what was my choices? Yes that’s right report my issues to the local council amazingly 3 days after they rang him I received the letter of eviction!! 
No contact from him yet about the repairs.  He only has 28 days to do them and believe me after his abuse and threats.  I will be reporting him for not doing the work! 
Along with this I had a scare Friday evening!   Mia came out of school unwell and unable to breath.  This was the first time that it’s happened while I am living alone.
I was not scared of what would happen or been alone and dealing with it.  I was scared I would have to call a ambulance and have my 6 year old leave without mummy or daddy at her side! 
Anyone with a child who frequently gets ill will understand it is hard to leave them while you go to the shop or for some air.  So the thought of leaving them completely alone scared me so much.
I’m so grateful her dad came and watched the others while I took her.  After over 4 hours in a&e she had 40 puffs of her inhaler, steroids, nebuliser, oxygen and xrays.
Thankfully we got to go home that night!!   Which was amazing she perked up loads and the next day she was almost back to get complete usual self.
I will be posting most nights now!! 
It’s time I started embracing this change and using it to my advantage.

What a week! I made it to 81 days gamble free 

I have not posted in a while..

Kids holidays so I’m spending as much time as I can with them before they go back to school! 
Working as well yes I work from home which I love but I do need to do some work every day.
Along with that personally I have changed I am so much happier now any bad things that try to get me down I am able to handle them and push them out my mind.
I have achieved so much and I’m so happy my mind is clear more clear then it has been for years!   And I’m new stepping up and realising what things in my life are wrong and need to go or be changed.
Life can not continue how it did before my addiction.  Clearly things in my past made me gamble and become addicted and those things need to change.
Today is day 81 of no gambling!!  My first time stopping with little support and I am achieving it! In not so long it will be 3 months! 
Changes are coming!! 
Tomorrow’s post is not to be missed you will see just why things got so bad for me!
Here’s a few pictures from this past week.

Easter Holiday Fun

In the holiday’s kids get so bored because Monday-Friday they have structure at school all day.  It is a time where they are constantly kept busy, Working, Playing, Creating and having fun.


At home there is nothing!  So here is, some things to help you get the most out of your easter holidays but also keep the children active!


So start with a timetable!  Yes, that is right a timetable,  This will fit all your plans, activities and meal times into one place but most importantly with this, you can create space for some me time so you do not get so stressed!


Be realistic with this though don’t put 8am breakfast if you know your kids will be up at 6:30 or you will all be asleep until 10am for the reason the whole schedule will shift!


So I will share my day two schedule I do things before the kids wake but you will get the idea.  You will see two choices the first is if the weather is nice second if it is not!


Kids awake 7-8am Breakfast by 9am, Kids dressed by 9:45

10 AM Music kids dancing/Kids playing in garden

11:30 AM kids in and get ready for dinner, and help prepare food

12:30 30 minutes of Screen time

1 PM Kids crafting, Cutting and sticking/Walk to the local park with ball, hula hoops etc

3PM Movie time  3pm-3:30 quiet time for mum then cook

4:45 Tea Time

5:30 Kids 30 minute screen time and reading school books

6:30 bed time


It might seem simple but you will be amazed by how long kids will enjoy dancing around the living room for! The idea is to get them up and active as early as possible to burn some fuel and get them a little calmer for after dinner!


Kids helping with dinner is also another amazing thing!  Having 5 kids it is harder but each one can help, One passes you the ingredients, one get them out the cupboards etc one puts the trimmings in the bin!


You really can get your kids to help and they will love it!


So some more ideas?


Messy play this is something even my 10-year-old enjoys paper all over the floor so its covered and playing with hands, feet etc.  Obviously, use old clothing!  My kids loved rolling around in the paint!  You see if you have enough paint and patience for the cleaning after your kids would stay there all day painting!


£1 Stores!  To many people spend £3 on plastic bats and balls when most £1 stores have them in easter holidays I believe in other countries it is called dollar shop etc.  But for £10 you can get 10 different outdoor toys!  Water guns another thing which kids will play with for hours but again if you do not have a outside tape you need patience for cleaning your floors! Same you can get these from £1 stores.


In the UK the cinema is amazing!  Vue mini mornings you only get one movie which isn’t amazing but if I was to go any other time or to see any other film that isn’t a mini morning it would cost me over £60!! Seriously for a 1 hour 45-minute film!  With mini mornings I believe for all 6 of us it would be £12 what a bargain!!


You see 2 weeks is not a long time!  Lets list some ideas below!


Playing in garden

Messy paint play

Cutting and sticking

30 minutes of screen time

Storytime each child takes turns to pick a book


Local park

Playing field with ball and other outside games

Movie day

Paddling pool

Water guns

Make your own pizzas

Create a play (Kids will spend all day rehearsing before showing you the final play)

Create puppets and a play

Write your own stories

Give kids a choice what would you like to do?






Stress control course and huge changes 

So today was day one of this 6 week course.  Every Monday I go to the course and get new information to help control stress.
But before that I started implementing a morning wake up routine and schedule! 
5am my Alarm rang I could easily have switched it off for another hour and half but no I got straight up! 

Drank a full glass of water splashed my face with water to help wake me up.

Then meditation followed by exercise.

Light reading, writing, affirmations and Visualisation.
I felt great and ready to achieve my day and handle anything that tried to knock me down!  
My morning was less stressful I even got the kids meditating.

It is never too early to start them with a good habit that can help them so much in life! 

So then along to the course I went.

Apparently depression and anxiety are closely linked to stress and often been able to control some of your stress can actually help with your anxiety and depression as well.

It’s not like counseling, no sharing stories etc just information on how to basically be your own counsellor! 
So far it seems good we get a booklet each week to take home read through and complete and try implement into our lives to help reduce stress and in turn help with anxiety and depression.

I have even started my new clean healthy eating again.

Tomorrow is day 2 of the new me! Up early with some be time to do my meditation and other important things.

Followed by a day keeping busy, working and relaxing! 

Hospital appointment, School Visit, Birthday and Sickness bug!

What fun these last few days have been!

Due to one of the twins been sick Sunday, she was off from school Monday.  So we had a trip to our local Tesco store to get some groceries.  We then came home and waited for the others to finish school.  Monday was a quiet day in general TomorrowI planned a trip into town in the morning to finish Birthday shopping for the youngest.  Again taking Elysa as she could not go back to school till Wednesday.


Well, Tuesday came!  We dropped Sophia at nursery and the other 3 kids at School.  We went straight into town and did some shopping but I got a phone call around 10:15 saying Sophia had to come home.  So off we went rushing to finish and get the bus to the nursery.

When we got to the nursery, I was told she had Diarrhea and would have to stay off for 48 hours at minimum after it cleared!  I just hoped she did not get sick and spoil her birthday which was the next day.

So we went home spent the day the same pretty much in the house wrapping her presents.  Watching films and cuddling until it was time to pick kids up.


Wednesday Birthday!  So I woke up Wednesday got downstairs and got her presents sorted.  She came down and opened them excited and having fun.  No disappointment that I had not bought her any Teletubbies toy.

Around 7:50 she started saying she felt sick and asking for the bucket! Yes, a just turned 3-year-old asking for the sick bucket!!



I felt awful, I took the kids to school came back and we cuddled and watched a film followed by some creative play with her new craft stuff she got for her birthday.


By around 4 o’clock I myself was not feeling great but put it down to stress and not eating well.  I couldn’t get ill!  Mia has her appointment at the hospital with ENT the next day and I had to visit my son’s high school he got accepted into!


But waking up around 11:30 I was far from OK!  Sick and diarrhea had hit me as well I was hoping it would pass quickly!  However, I ended up partly sleeping on a chair in the living room.  I say partly sleeping cause I fell asleep around 5:45 to be awakened at 6 am with the kids!  My partner took them to school and I tried to sleep with Sophia most of the day as she still was not well!  Canceling the hospital appointment and school visit. Still, ill Thursday night, however, waking up Friday feeling a lot better.  So I took a trip to Tesco and did some shopping.


Hopefully, next week goes a little better! I mean I should be saying hopefully it will only be us three who get the sickness bug and none of the other kids!  Otherwise yes that is right another whole week of sickness bug in the house and unable to go out not to mention the fact its mothers day soon!

The silly things strangers ask!

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It makes me laugh really I mean literally laugh I used to get annoyed been pregnant with one baby the questions people ask and the comments after having the baby.

But that is just a small blip of what someone gets if they have twins or multiples!

You always get the how far gone are you questions no matter what and been pregnant with one is tiring enough answering that exact same question multiple times a day!

Then towards 38 weeks you get the “You must be close now your huge” “Isn’t he here yet?” Statements! Only a couple of weeks though you need to hear these.

But for twin mums wow you can not imagine the amount of times you get stopped and questioned!  Its like a pregnancy police check every 5 people you walk past!

“Wow your huge when are you due?”  My response ended up been “What do you mean I am huge I am only 3 months pregnant”  This made them quickly walk away looking at me like I was crazy.

“Is there really only two in there?”  I started responding no actually there is just 1 they measured the same baby twice thinking there was two”

Hitting the 4-5 months mark what fun that is!  You get the whole “Wow your ready to drop” my response “Yeah its been 4 months I am fed up now”

You see having one baby you don’t get that many questions until the very end when your looking like your full term!  With twins you look full term around 4 months pregnant so you have 5 months of these questions!

The assumption I hated was “Surely they will give you a c-section your so small!”  Thanks just because of my size you assume I can not push out a baby like everyone else!

What ever you do DO NOT SAY IT IS TWINS!

I made this mistake a few times, When people assumed I was ready to drop when I was just 4 months gone!  This unleashed a whole huge questionnaire!

I love them T-Shirts!  Saying things like YES I am having twins do not ask, or Yes there is only two in here. it kind of stops the questions before they even get chance to ask!

Now lets talk about the questions you get after having the babies some are just ignorance others have you stood there thinking “Are you freaking kidding me?  Did you really just ask me that?”

So a few I encountered after having my twins.

“How cute a boy and girl are they twins?”  Both wearing matching pink coats and clothing!  My response “No they are both boys I just like dressing them as girls”  I mean seriously!! Wearing pink dresses and you assume one is a boy?

“Double Trouble”  Sorry but if you have 2 kids of different ages you still have double trouble only one is older and wiser and gets the younger one to do the work so they don’t get caught!

“Are they natural?”  At first I would look stunned and say “yes” But after a while it is actually quit offensive so soon I replied “No sorry they where made in test tubes and incubators until full term then I adopted” The looks I got !  I mean no matter how they where conceived they are still natural!

“Which is the evil twin?”  I have yes been asked this!  How the hell do you respond to this?  When they was babies I just laughed awkwardly and walked away quickly.  But as one twin started getting attitude and mastered evil eyes Oh what fun we had!

I would say “She is watch her” Pointing to the wrong twin while the other was sat there giving the death stare and a evil chuckle! Then I would reply “Oh no wait it got passed onto her now”

I mean seriously why would you ask that?  Which is the evil twin? None do people really believe one twin is good and one is evil?  Apparently so!

So here is a few more questions you get.

“Are they identical”

“Are they twins?” (reply yes) “How old is she?” (reply one) “So sweet how old is her twin?” Erm 35???

“You have your hands full” No having twins as a doddle having 5 is a hands full!

“You look so worn out”  This honestly normally was said after I had a good nights sleep! Seriously I feel great and then someone says I look like crap Thanks!

“Do they have the same dad?”

“Are they yours?”

“Do they share the same birthday?”

The struggles of just going to the shop!  It is a 2 minute walk and took like 20 minutes!  Not because of the babies no no no because of strangers stopping you every minute to look at the babies! They are the same as other babies just 2!

So  what ever you do next time you see a pregnant lady or a mum of twins/multiples do not ask the stupid questions!  Think about how many times today they have already been asked it!

You can only imagine the questions I get asked walking down the street with these three!

I should point out no they are not really triplets and I am talking about them been twins!  The twins where 5 in this picture and their sister 4!  She is just catching up with them quickly!  And obviously now I get asked daily are they triplets!  So I have gone from the twins questions to triplets questions!

Here’s a few pictures of their first 2 years!  Who can relate?  Or did you get asked something I did not cover here?  Comment below.

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