Common Misconceptions Of BDSM

So often it is the misconceptions of BDSM that have people thinking the worse, giving it a bad name, and even making others believe what they believe is correct.  I thought this would make a interesting blog post, to look at this misconceptions and try correct them so people understand it more.

The things I have encountered since releasing my book, or sharing my BDSM journey is amazing, and not in a good way, I get asked every time I say I write erotica.

“oh 50 shades type of work?”  No, this is the worse comparison, while 50 shades has some BDSM in, it misses out all the key parts, it shows you parts that would never happen, those who have assumed this, quickly messaged back after reading with the following, “Okay I now understand, the books are no where near the same, yours actually taught me about BDSM”

“Its abuse” “Its controlling” “Its dangerous” “It is just a guy wanting to control what his partner does” So let’s have a look into it.

  •  BDSM is about control, the submissive has no say, the Dominant chooses everything.

False, BDSM is far from control, and the submissive has so much say.  People in the outside world see the Dominant in charge, they instantly think the submissive is been ordered around, and has no say.  In fact Submissives are the key, they are the ones who set the rules, if they say no whips, it means no whips, the Dominant will not turn around and say, well I like them so your having them included.  The dominant works from a list of his or hers submissives likes and dislikes, pain threshold, kinks, fetishes, soft and hard limits.  He does not just walk her into a room and throw everything he wants to her, if she does not really know what she likes, he will start off slow, he would not just go straight in gagging, blindfolding, tying her up and causing large amounts of pain.

A submissive, is the one who gives the Dominant a list to work from, so while it looks like he choses everything it is everything she has previously said yes to.  There are aspects such as clothing, eating, drinking that can also be included, again the submissive is completely able to say no, I wan to eat this, no I want to drink that amount, it is not a case of the Dominant wants it that way so that is the way it will be.

 

  • You are only into BDSM if you do everything

BDSM does not have to involve the whole world of BDSM, while some people like Dominance and Submission, as well as Bondage, they are far from Masochist, and their Dominant may well not be a Sadist.  BDSM is a huge though, some people often think they are not into BDSM because they don’t like everything it stands for others, assume they are when they are not.  Vac beds, are something loads of BDSM people love, yet some will not use them, humiliation, is another part of BDSM, again not everyone is into it.  Someone who likes been tied up in the bedroom, and maybe a bit of a whip, is not necessarily into BDSM, it depends on exactly how much more they want from BDSM.

 

  • BDSM is all about sex.

BDSM is not all about sex, some people live a BDSM lifestyle without the sex, there is many ways, sensual, for instance Vac beds, rope bunnies, and for some it is just that feeling of submitting to someone that is needed, not in a sexual way but a life way, again still with rules and things that the Submissive agreed to.  For some BDSM is just sex, they don’t do anything else, every time them and their Dominant meet it is for sex, that involves a lot of BDSM.  However it isn’t always about sex.

 

  • People into BDSM are mentally unstable or have issues.

A big misconception, in my books you will read a scene where Alena asks Jackson why he is into BDSM, she says he seems so normal, and doesn’t seem to have anything that has triggered it.  He explains how that is a misconception, and often people into BDSM are sound minded, now lets take US as a example, 36% of people surveyed where into BDSM, and around 18.6% of people in the US suffer with a mental illness every year.  Big difference right?  BDSM does not always have to someone is mentally unstable, were abused as a child, had a bad upbringing or got hurt in their adult life.

Now, there is a lot in BDSM, including Animal transformation, Watersports, Scat, while not everyone in BDSM likes these things, you will see that BDSMers support everyone in the lifestyle with no judging, while the outside world calls us weird, wrong, and strange.

 

  • BDSM is about abusive, controlling, harassment and dangerous.

This now comes up so much more, BDSM is not abusive, controlling, harassment or dangerous.  Something all people in the BDSM lifestyle live from is SSC – Safe, Sane, Consensual any real Dominant will say this.  It is not about inflicting pain, controlling the submissive.  Lets say the submissive leaves she needs space, a Dominant would not show up where she is, he would not call her constantly, he would give her that space, he would give her that peace she needs.  Following her, or messaging her is harassment, not SSC.

The submissive is free to walk away when ever she or he feels, they have their safe words and if the safe word can not be used in some cases (gag etc) they have other ways, some use a ball, where the submissive drops it, others use a body gesture that can be noticed quickly and safely.

When does it get Dangerous? When people lie, but if you lie it isn’t BDSM, this is something people need to learn, those in BDSM are open, they talk, they are honest, they do not say they like knife play, if in fact they hate it.  A dominant stops when the submissive has reached her limit using only methods she agreed to, he does not carry on and ignore her warning, that is when it would get dangerous in which case, he is not a real Dominant, and that isn’t BDSM.  Everything comes with knowledge the more you learn, the better you become, know what you are doing and it will be safe, jump in and assume you can do it your way and it becomes dangerous.

 

  • Women are the Submissive and men are Dominant

Wrong, women and men can be Submissives, and likewise for Dominant.  That is why you will see some writing Domme, if you do that is the female version of Dom.  There is also those known as Switch (Me) These are the ones who are both Dominants and Submissives, they like both sides and act out both sides.  A man can be a submissive for a Domme or a Dom, just as a woman can be.

 

  • If you’re a Dominant or Submissive in BDSM, you are the same out of it.

Misconception, some people are completely Submissive in BDSM, but in real life, they are not, they prefer to make the rules and enforce them rather then follow them.  BDSM can spill over into life if wanted, however it can also completely stop when you walk away from the bedroom.

 

  • BDSM is a new thing

BDSM has been around for generations, 1940’s introduced pin up girls and fetish magazines, BDSM has been around since before we were born, it has just over the years became less of a taboo, sure it is still a taboo, but not as much as before.

 

  • 50 shades of grey is BDSM right?

Wrong, if you speak to anyone in the BDSM lifestyle you will hear how bad it represents BDSM.  For one, Anna had never had sex, now while some do become submissives, it is not something that is taken lightly and Dominants would not instantly push the person to submitting.  The time Anna leaves to her mums, to escape because she needs space, he shows up unannounced, again, this would never happen in BDSM, the Dominant would in fact give her that space, and be grateful she took it to consider her options.  It is abuse, while punishment is part of BDSM, punishment is done with love and care, the Dominant would not act out of anger, hurt or similar emotions.  When Christian is saying to Alena “This is how you make me feel” That is not love and care, that is manipulation.  When he hit her with the belt, there was no love and care there.  Sure it has floggers, a blindfold, a contract but the key SSC are missing, Aftercare is missing.

 

 

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. Simply wonderful post!

    Like

    1. Thank you, it is something I had not written about is the misconceptions of BDSM, so thought it would be a nice addition for those who follow my blog and are trying to learn more about the lifestyle.

      Like

  2. dave94015 says:

    Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
    Some of the myths about #bdsm are debunked for those who believe it’s like 50 shades !

    Like

    1. Thank you for Reblogging.

      Like

  3. dave94015 says:

    Thanks for explaining the misconceptions about the lifestyle because there are many who still don’t know what it’s like. Hopefully other authors will get it right in the future!

    Like

    1. Thank you Dave, it is a big thing knowing what the rules are in the lifestyle especially if you are going to write it, if written wrong people could think it is right, and then someone could get hurt.

      Like

  4. Really really enjoyed reading this! So many people assume the wrong things because the things that tend to be mainstream provide misconceptions. Great post!

    Like

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