I still get asked this now, why gambling? Why not drugs, or drink why did I gamble?
I am sure, I have explained before but not 100% so I will go into it a little bit now and hopefully people will understand why.
So, I don’t drink, I have maybe had 10 glasses since I turned 18 and I am now 30! Why? I fear alcohol, crazy I know but I fear the intoxicated state you get into, I fear the morning after and I fear what happens when your intoxicated. I can’t relax when I drink, I am on edge and don’t feel free at all.
Going out, parties with family, anything like that, I can’t relax, the amount of times people have bought me shots and shoved them under my nose and I have refused to drink them to be pushed and pushed to shouting no is ridiculous, I hate alcohol I can’t do it at all, I just can’t!
So where does the fear come from? Years and years of childhood surrounded by heavy drinkers and alcoholics, years of watching the effects that drinking has on the body. Family passing out on the floor under the table, losing control of their body so they piss themselves, throwing up.
The main thing, is the anger you see my family when they drink and 90% is anger, watching fighting, people not caring who they hurt because they are to drink to care! I have watched people get drunk and be happy, cuddling declaring their undefined love to thirty seconds later things been thrown around the room, fighting and blood splatters on the wall.
Drink to me, isn’t happiness, it isn’t pleasure, it isn’t something that I can feel happy doing, it certainly isn’t a escape from the world for me, watching what drink did to my family has put a wall up around alcohol that I can’t climb over, I am to weak and even if I could I doubt I would!
Now Drugs? Well same thing, I have watched the mental effects drugs has had on people, watched as people overdosed on them and the fights drugs caused. I have watched family lock themselves away taking drugs, going crazy because well their mind has lost it, telling them that people are trying to kill them, the stereo even talks to them!
I have watched as someone was robbed because of drugs, and the end result was not pleasant, it was like a battlefield, people at our house gathering weapons to go get revenge from the person who robbed them, I have watched as the fathers were to much into drugs to care about their children, including taking all the toys to sell for that fix.
I again have a wall up, never done drugs, my mind unable to, to scared to after seeing the effects growing up as a child, so I could not turn to drugs, I could not fall into the drug addiction trap.
Now there is far more other things to be addicted to, one been gambling, that was my downfall, that was my saviour and my destroyer!
Gambling got me through so much, yet it destroyed me along the way but at the same time it helped, in a weird, twisted, fucked up sort of way.
I didn’t bet loads, honestly I would go to bingo with my sister every now and again, I had five kids so time was limited for me to go out, I played bingo online never really getting sucked in, not interesting at all, same with blackjack and card games, no effect.
Then, I started playing slot’s and something snapped inside my mind, it was like a like a ruler snapping, I had never been around gambling, never seen it, never really experienced it so it was not something I feared.
I started slowly, like any addiction I felt the instant release of feelings when I played, the freedom, no anxiety, no depression, no fucked up life there in my mind reminding me I am useless.
Then, slowly, everything changed, I had fallen for the worse addiction ever, I would wake at 2 or 3 am payday, and sit in the dark on my phone and play slots, over and over again, £10 on to lose it, another £10 on to lose it, I would keep going, until in a matter of an hour I had lost a full months money. How is that even possible?
That, is not even the worse part, the worse part is all the times I won £1000-£4000 and I lost it, my mind greedy, the addiction greedy holding control, my mind powerless telling me to keep going, I would lose it all.
Then the downfall came, just like a come down from drugs, I felt everything, every bit of hate for myself, every bit of anxiety, depression, hatred for the disease and the world around me for putting that disease here.
I felt the disappointment in myself, what was I doing? Why am I so stupid? Why would I do that? I would fight with myself, scream inside, and find no way out. My mind telling me no not again, but the addiction there laughing at me, you will, you know you will and it was right, I had no control over my addiction no control at all. It took pleasure from ripping my life apart.
Gambling is like a drug or alcohol but there is no cleanse, you can go to rehab and be taken away from all the drugs and drink, away from those who gave you the drugs. With gambling even in rehab your facing daily risks of life, there is no way to stop that adrenaline that leads to gambling, the only way is to be strong enough to fight your mind and tell it no and mean it. Now I know from watching drugs and drink are just as bad, each addiction is unique in it’s own way with a hold that is barely breakable.
Overcoming it was hard, imagine the adrenaline you get when you win, when you place a bet, when you gamble, when you make a risk.
Well every day I took risks in life, the adrenaline pumping higher then ever before, pushing me back to gambling reminding me just how amazing it felt to gamble, if I could feel that good just from a normal life risk, imagine how amazing gambling would feel.
Every day is a new battle, every day is a day that has new risks, and new wins. Imagine this, I wrote my book and got it to number three, the rush from that win reminded me of gambling, the addiction still there saying go on just one bet you can do just one to feel the full rush again.
Well that is all day constantly, every risk, every triumph, every gamble in life I take it reminds me of gambling.