Words of destruction

The words I detest, the words I never wanted came crashing down on me like weights that I could not fight off.

They came over and over as I fought back tears, fighting to get out of the house to get home to flee and hopefully find it was not the truth.

I walk and walk, my mind replaying those same words, replaying them like a broken record that wanted me to die, that wanted to see how far they could push me before I cripple down and cry in the street screaming in misery asking the world why?

The tears started, I fought them off but they wanted me to cry, they started and after the first, there was no stopping them, it was like a waterfall from my eyes, showing the sorrow within them within my soul.

People passing by their faces full of wonder, sympathy and support for a stranger they do not even know, a stranger crying in the street and trying to just get home, the questions asking me why I am crying just brought back more floods of tears I tried holding back as the memory of those words poisoned my soul!

I hide and straightened myself, snap out of it you fool, you in public with eyes lurking wanting to know, with people waiting to see the show, with people longing to see your misery rather than their own snap out of it.

I felt strength as I walked again, this time a friendly face I know, a friendly face I prayed would not ask but I knew my hopes were futile when those words came asking me that question and the flood of emotion came back as I explained you were gone, as I cried and cried and said I was not lying you were gone!

I walked and walked again, reaching my home, family there surrounding each other, why did I feel so alone? I walked away to my room, hiding in the confines of it trying to hide and pray I would awake because surely this was not life, surely life would not be so cruel?

The pain came crashing down as I realised this nightmare would never end, this nightmare was here to break me down, to destroy me as those words still screamed inside my head the words that destroyed my life within a second the words I can never unhear!

Why was life so cruel to take my only friend, the only support I had the only person I could run to? Why were you taken when I had no one else, I cried for hours hiding away, just hoping it was a mistake I still pray it is still a mistake.

Your last words soothing in my head, as I see your face from the last time, I see your face and tears fall down a fountain of emotion and grief crippling me as I cry, I shudder my body screaming why, so heavy I struggle to breathe and wonder will I die? I want to die!

Your words telling me to be strong, telling me I can fight and survive I have something to fight for, right now I can’t see anything worth fighting for, nothing but broken hearts the world a darkened place as the light left when you did, you took the light I needed, I don’t remember anything I needed to fight for even my unborn son has slipped my mind, I would rather die than be in this pain, that is ripping into my soul shredding it to pieces killing me piece by piece as I scream why!

Your words of comfort, there but they do not comfort me like your arms do your words are not even a fraction of your hugs.

I look down at your open casket and this is it the truth I am left alone, to fight the battles on my own, with nowhere to run and no one to cry to, I am utterly alone, the only person in this world while people rush around me, I see nothing, nothing but empty shells wanting to live life for themselves not caring who they destroy along the way waiting for me to break so they can laugh and push me down some more.

I wonder why, why life is so cruel, why they took you, you where the light in my life, the last moment I saw you, your hand on my stomach telling me he is what I need to fight for, and he is the one to keep me going and never forget that, you said goodbye like I would never see you again and it was right because within days you were taken away.

 

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