Bound to the bed

My body stuck, slumped on the bed, unable to move.
I struggle to breathe, tears in my eyes, sore and red, screaming for a break.

I try getting out, but I just get pulled back in again, there is no escape.
Time passes, everyone living life, while I am here bed bound screaming to be free.

But I don’t want to be free, if I am free I need to live this life
Life is scary, I am afraid of it, every day I wake and wonder will I make it?

Will I crash, will I burn, will my body turn to stone, my heart explode as I scream will I make it?

I don’t want to be free, I beg my mind not to let me, I pray that it will hold me hostage and never let me be free.
My body is turning to stone, slowly and surely, one day I won’t be here, I will be empty.

My heart is pumping away, each day getting slower, as my mind tells it this life isn’t worth living in it.
My muscles grow tired, hurting like they have been hit by a train, they hurt from not being able to move, but I don’t want them to move, I don’t want to move.

Life is hard, it is scary, I scream every day, how am I even making it? Those days I am bed bound I feel free, free from the world, free from friends, free from what society says I should be.

I am not normal, I can not do normal, my life is a string of events after events that cripple me, cripple my mind, cripple my body, and I wonder why?

Why do I need to live this life, it is full of hatred and pain, it is full of disappointment and shame
Life passes by, people moving on, growing older together, living life happily.

The kids screaming and laughing in the street the sound I loathe so much, how I wish I could go back to that time, the time when a bubble made me squeal with happiness.

The sound of church bells, announcing a wedding, rings around in my head, my screams getting louder wishing I was dead, they remind me of something I never had, something I will never have something I am incapable of.

I hear the parties, the crowds of people, I duck and hide, my head under the covers, my body feeling clammy from the sweat, as I imagine, the pain, the fear if I was to join in, my mind screaming to run, because that isn’t a life for me.

So I define myself, I lock myself away, my bed is my hope, the escape, I hide there and hope the day will end, and tomorrow won’t come because this life, needs to end.

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