I am back or am I?

Writing is my way to escape, it is my way of getting out my emotions and how I feel but often it ends in tears and usually mine.

Things have happened and life has been hard the past few months.  I have had struggles after struggles and at times felt like there was no one there I could turn to.  I am wondering now is this life for me? It seems when things are going a little good or starting to look good there is someone there waiting to push me back down and usually people you should be able to trust.

What is life if there is no one here who cares? What is life if there is people who are meant to care just wanting to cause you harm?

I am lucky I have my kids, they are the only ones keeping me going when I just want to quit!  I just want to say I have had enough of all your shit!  Of trying to be part of the family of trying to fit in somewhere when I don’t!

I’m like a outsider you see I am looking in and can’t find a way in I can try yes but there is never a way in.  I never truly feel like there is a place for me no matter how hard I try to.

Where do I fit in?  It is not here I don’t fit in I look like the odd piece of the puzzle that was not meant to be in the box.  Nothing in common with anyone, no way of fitting in I can keep trying yes but what is the point?  What is the point of hurting myself time and time again to be left on the shelf and forgotten about?

 

See I often sit and wonder, what if just what if I drank every day?  What if I caused so much trouble family had to come running?  What if I started doing stupid things so family flocked around me?  Yes I would get noticed, yes I would get invited to parties, yes I would get more visitors.

 

Then I realised doing that would make me fit in but in doing so I would lose myself I would lose what makes me different, I would be just like them and at some point someone else will feel like me and be stood on the outside looking in.

 

My kids are the only things I need in life, it seems even though some people can push and push and push you and take you for granted so much that when you finally do snap you are then looked at bad yes what they did was wrong but apparently finally saying the truth and standing up for yourself makes you get pushed further out.

 

My kids were the only one’s there the last 12 years and it seems that is how it will stay.

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