So I have not written in the blog for a while, For many reasons really the biggest been there is so much happening right now I didn’t know what to write about and what to leave out.
But tonight I realised something I SHOULD NOT! Leave anything out nothing because any tiny detail could possibly make someone think or realise how important simple things are in their life!
So In April a lot changed! My partner moved out leaving me with the five children not long after that I received a letter through the post regarding eviction. I spent the first few days keeping busy the kids happy, Easter etc. To be honest when Easter came I was actually expecting a call or text from the kids dad but nothing.
Slowly I noticed he was not texting or calling, when he did he did not ask how the kids where and rarely asked how I was. On a few occasions he came to stay but clearly not to see the kids or spend time with me it was for one thing only.
So I carried on trying to keep myself and the kids distracted and not thinking about him to much because he never came to visit. I was looking for a house as well, trying to ensure my son did good with his year 6 sat’s while also trying to make sure I stayed healthy and eating.
I kept having periods where I would feel like crap but not once did I gamble, Most days I was fine and happy which amazed me the fact on the worst days I did not turn to gambling like most would with an addiction.
I realised slowly how much he upset me, made me feel crap and in general treated me awful. Like the time the landlord came out to do some repairs the kids dad was with me and his friend however rather then helping he made things worse well for me anyway.
I knew I would need to ask the landlord somethings and I had been working on building up the courage to ask. However that was quickly shot down by their dad.
“You need to ask the landlord”
“You caused all this yourself”
“None of my family want you or the kids living with them your all slobs”
While turning to his friend and saying he’s not nasty but it is the truth.
So my self esteem and confidence at that point went. I felt like going in the house locking the door behind me and ignoring everyone. I didn’t understand why he was so cruel there was no need! Saying to me “If you don’t find a house you will have to move into your dads cause none of my family want you or the kids living with them your all slobs”
Says the person who shouted at me because I would not carry his dirty washing downstairs, Or leaves plates rubbish and other crap piled high next to the bed, maybe the fact he never helped tidy or said he did but just stood there shouting at everyone telling them what to do.
Saying “The bedroom doesn’t matter that is a personal space no one see’s” Yet inviting friends into it while his crap is next to the bed?
Me spending ages cleaning and getting stuff sorted for a party for him to say to family “She left it till the last minute and I had to do loads” While in fact he did nothing.
So here I am now sat at my dads with my five kids wondering what the hell my kids did to deserve this? 12Th I moved into my dads the 11th was the last day 4 of the kids seen him the youngest seen him on the 15th only because she went with me and seen him.
No message or call asking how the kids are? No thank you to them posting happy fathers day. Worst thing is 2 of them know full well he see’s his eldest daughter from before we got together yet he does not seem to care about them.
If he was to read this I know what he would say, “I have been working” “I have been clearing your shit out the house” “I won’t come to your dads” “I don’t like your family”
Yet the fact he can not text to ask how they are or call to speak to them means those excuses are just that excuses! If he really cared he would call and text he would happily say I will come up saturday and take them out for the day but I know he won’t.
I just hope that soon very soon they stop asking cause honestly I can not make any more excuses for why he isn’t bothered. I can only do so much I can not force him to want to ring and speak to his kids. Weird thing is he always said how much he hated my mum for what she did to us walking away yet he he is worse at least she showed she cared a bit she came and seen us, called and we slept at hers.
How anyone can have been in their kids lives for 11, 6, 6, 5 and 3 years and not want to know they are ok makes no sense to me I look at my kids and it breaks my heart knowing in 6 months time they may have seen him 3 or 4 times if that!
I know that breaking that bond with your kids is almost impossible to mend you can not expect to walk out of your child’s life and come back when they are old enough to watch themselves and expect them to love you and welcome you with open arms cause it just does not happen like that!
These children are amazing the fact some dads can not see how amazing and lucky they are to have their children is awful but the fact some dads have kids and choose to see one and not the others to me that does not make him a father it makes him a coward who want’s to pick and chose which children he want’s and if he doesn’t want my children then they will be far better without someone like him.