What made you depressed?  Gamble?  My story to explain part 2

So in the last part I went into my upbringing.  I spoke about what I saw, heard and watched growing up.  I explained how I lost the only person who I truly felt understood me that I could talk to and I was never taught about love.
Was I loved?? Sure but been loved simply is not enough growing up.  Kids need to be cuddled kissed and spoken to reassured that things will be OK and taught about love.

Unfortunately for me that was not the case I can’t remember a time my mum actually cuddled or kissed me and said she loved me.  I do remember my dad saying it before I went to bed.

So what happened next?   I realised I was not in love and cancelled the wedding left my finance and was with someone else who made me feel loved.  I was pregnant and had to say goodbye to the most important person in my life.
My son was born on April 18th 2006 he was my world.  My partner and mum was with me but even having my son I still had that space missing inside me.

I moved into my own house with my son and partner to say it was hard would be a lie it was awful my first ever time living alone with a baby.  Yes I had my partner but been young as well he didn’t really help.  I didn’t live near my family we moved close to his so he could be near his family.  Which meant I was stuck in, I struggled to go out with my son.  Feeling isolated and depressed I was so glad when we had issues with the house and I moved back to my dad’s.

But it certainly was not that simple.  You see my sister lived at home with my dad along with my other sister and her 2kids plus my little brother.  So a 3 bedroom house shared between 8 of us was not easy.  But that didn’t even cover the other issues overcrowded yes.  How about drinking??  I mean this was my family right so you can guarantee there was a lot of parties and drinking.
And of course with my family where drink and parties are involved you have to expect arguments and fights.  It was not something I wanted my son to be brought up around or seeing.
I didn’t drink and believed it was a bad thing him seeing what I had to growing up.

So again I moved this time my partner moved in again but soon after we split.  So again living miles away from my own family I became depressed.  Lonely I needed to find some friends.  There was so many websites out there for mums.  I was on Facebook and netmums but honestly netmums was hard!! 
So I created my own website for mums and soon it was featured in a magazine.  A few of the ladies including myself booked a family holiday together!!   Yes 4 complete strangers their kids and partners well not mine cause I didn’t have one went on holiday together it was amazing.

I soon got back with my partner and in 2010 I got pregnant it was a hard pregnancy I developed ocd heart issues anemia then on 3rd February 2011 we where blessed with twin girls. The labour was hard it was actually a my mum and sister with me until there was complications.  So afterwards my mum would not come to my other births because it was apparently to hard for her to see how close I was to losing them.

They changed my world hard is a understatement but 100% worth every second even to this day they are perfect.

I felt great then on 20th may 2012 we had another girl.  I was on labour around 30 minutes before see arrived with only my sister there for support.

Now things got worse, I struggled to get out the house my partner was no help.  I had 3 kids aged 1 and under plus a 6 year old I felt anxious like everyone everywhere was looking at me judging me.  I ended up going to school and back and nothing else.  I worked online but still felt isolated no family came to see me no one rang to see how I was doing I felt alone.
Then again in 2014 I had another girl.

She was perfect more then prefect!!  The pregnancy was a battle I suffered heart palpitations, needed blood transfusions, iron infusions but she made it and so did I.
Labour started early hours of 15/03/2014 I couldn’t believe it I rang my sister who was meant to be my birthing partner to tell me her and my mum had been out drinking and ring back later.

Sat there with my partner I cried in panic no one could go with me he couldn’t leave the kids.  So a ambulance was sent first the fast response arrived 10 minutes after my waters broke then a few minutes later the ambulance arrived.
Getting to the hospital I didn’t get taken to the labour ward.  Yes I was in labour but they insisted on me going to the assessment unit where they then said I couldn’t be moved and would have her there! 
Amazingly me by myself with 2 strangers I delivered my perfect 8lb 9Oz daughter crying with relief. After she arrived I realised something it was my nanas birthday.  In tears of joy an hour later my mum and sister arrived saying I should have called!   I did but how great would that look having two drunk people with you in labour.
They where talking about names and I had to even tell my mum you realise what today is don’t you and I had to tell her it was her own mothers birthday!   My precious baby was born in my nanas birthday it felt amazing and like a sign from her.
Obviously I struggled more 5 kids and 4 where aged 3 and under.  But I loved it I thought I was coping so well.
That was until January this year when I realised I had a gambling addiction.  My anxiety ocd and depression was just hidden or masked by my addiction I was not doing well at all but honestly I would never change it for the  world.

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