Firstly a apology for not posting on the last few days my last post was Thursday which was updating people on Edgar happened Wednesday. So I guess this blog post is about Thursday to today which is Saturday.
So Thursday was just like any other day waking up at 5am I got a cup of tea in peace before the kids woke up. Taking them to school coming home I spent my day relaxing watching TV. It helps keep my mind occupied. Was not much else really happening Thursday I fell asleep by 7pm.
Friday was my twin girls birthday up again for 5am cup of tea and kids asleep till 6:15 when one on the twins woke up followed by the other three girls at half past. They opened their presents and although they only got two each they where so happy. I sat there watching thinking I caused this, then presents you are opening are gifts from people I have met online who seen I.couldn’t buy them any. I kept thinking I’m their mum I should have bought them their presents I should have got them what they wanted. They wanted certain toys which I couldn’t get them and it was my fault because I gambled with the money we needed and now we had debts to pay off.
That was the day I had to remember this was what would make me fight this I don’t ever want to have to rely on others providing for my kids. They where so pleased though they did a live video on Facebook thanking the ladies who bought them the presents. Most people would tell their kids they bought them I was completely honest and told them who the presents where off.
I seem to have gambling under control but my ocd is up and down and all over at the minute. My hair picking changes from day to day some days are not too bad others are worse just like my anxiety.
So today is Saturday and while today was good I also struggled. I was again up at five I will have to start using this time in the morning to work out before the kids get up. I cleaned downstairs prepared the small amount of party food we had. My sister her partner and son came today for a small kind of tea party. A cake a dozen buns and sandwiches it was small but good because the people they wanted to see where the even if it was only my sister. The kids had fun and played by the whole time again I kept thinking about how they wanted to invite friends from school but couldn’t because I couldn’t afford it thinking I could let them invite some friends to the cinema in a couple of weeks when money is sorted as a treat.
Talking about money my partner mentioned £300 missing from the bank I remembered I transferred it to the savings and forgot to tell him. Trying to explain it was to use towards rent due next week. I’m so confused I can’t remember what I had done and spent that friday and before I broke down and admitted to having a problem. Trying to remember set my anxiety off and my depression I felt good all day until then I say downstairs thinking how crap things where and it was my fault how I caused it and deserved to suffer. The fact my mind can not work right or think back and remember things annoys me I should be able to remember I’m forgetting simple things I always remembered like my number. It makes me feel worse the fact I can not control my mind and the things I wanted or needed to remember.
Tomorrow is another day it will just be a normal Sunday but today marks my 15 days of been gamble free wow has it really been that long?? I’m shocked now that I have thought about it and realised but as always one day at a time so I don’t struggle or push myself to hard.