Mind games 

I’m sat on the bed it’s quiet everyone’s asleep for some reason I feel calm then I look down to my phone and see itOK in finger is tapping the spin button on one of the slots I used to play.  Confused and dazed I panic what have I done watching the reels spin I get that feeling I always do.  They start to stop and in watching did that just happen??  No this can’t be right £2130 showed on the screen my mind was telling me see it was OK and worth it.  Im sat there thinking what have I done to hear the voice again saying see how easy that was just do it once more.

At that point I woke up sweating and shaking that felt to real the emotions everything in not even safe in my sleep now.  It has found a way to make me feel the way it used to to try get me to gamble I never had a dream like it before I was more relieved then anything it felt so true I honestly thought I had gone and deposited abd stated gambling again.

This illness knows how to attack you to use your weakness and to even get in your mind while you sleep my first and last Addiction I never want to go through this again.  Waking up fully I look at my phone hands are shaking so much I feel starving and had a awful headache.

I go down and sort the kids cereal out and make myself a cup of tea.  Still shaking I make myself breakfast it helps the hunger but the shaking is still going on still have a headache and I can’t seem to get rid of the feeling.

As the day goes on my head gets worse the kids are quiet but to me is so loud to much movement at once seems to confuse me.  Why it never has bothered me before but it seems to be now. I can feel my ocd it is there wanting to escape I try keep my mind if it but it still finds as way of getting up to the surface.

Today I managed to cook a.Sunday dinner concentrating was hard hands still shaking and my head still hurts so much.  Still at the back of my mind is the dream of rather nightmare the urge to gamble but I have a secret. When this urge comes up I think back to how crap I feel knowing I can not buy my twins a single present for their birthday.  This is my ticket to never gamble again along with how bad I felt when people found out.  

So our big Sunday dinner is ready while cooking I was ravished honestly so hungry finally sit down and the hunger goes.  I struggle to eat even a bit this appetite issue is a struggle is so annoying I can feel starving and eat loads and sometimes I can’t eat anything some days I don’t ever feel hungry.

Now the kids are in bed,uniforms drying I’m sat here thankful that I made it another day.  Despite the dream I had the strongest urge ever to gamble and the shaking uncontrollably I made it another day and I know I can do this for my kids.

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