Wow this was not something in expected. All I have done today is shake uncontrollably sweating then been cold then to hot bad headaches and so confused.
I didn’t think you get withdrawal symptoms from gambling addictions I thought that was just from drugs alcohol you know the things that go into your body so when this started happening I wad shocked. All day unable to control it my eyes feel like they are tired and just want to close small noises the kids make seem so loud.
Just 4 kids in the living room and I feel like I’m caged in with loads of people like I’m in a room full everything is is like a daze going past me fast but at the same time so slow. The kids play among themselves. Fight between them over toys are coloured pencils like kids do and I just feel unreal like this is a dream in going to wake up from.
I sit there and think of my nana how I would love to reach out and talk to her she’s the one person I know I could talk to who would listen still love me and always be there no judging. But she isn’t so I have to keep in fighting the urge to run away and hide from this distorted dazed confused feeling.
My body is such a mess one minute in starving the next I’m not hungry at all then I’m thirsty then I’m not. Feel like I have energy to burn to within 2 minutes feel like I’m ready to collapse
I never expected to have this you don’t know you never think it’d be that bad cause surely you where not that bad surely your Addiction was not that bad? Maybe though this is the sign of how bad it was this is my biggest battle getting through these feelings the withdrawal without gambling because if I fail next time it will be worse.
The day passes in a blur nothing different watch the kids cook and clean try to keep myself motivated even though my body is craving to just quit and tell someone else to take over.
I never expected to feel this bad but I do and I can’t do much but fight it and not turn round and gamble to hide am these feelings. The twins birthday is next week and I can not get them anything I b feel awful this is exactly why I need to stop gambling I have now ruined their birthday because I have so much rent to pay back I can’t afford anything for them.
I don’t want to have to go through this again the urge is there more telling me I can try win a bit but I know I can’t if I do that would be weak and I need to stay strong for the kids. if I could sell part of my body to get them toys I would without a second thought but if I could my battle wouldn’t be so hard and I would not have this moment top look back on to tell myself don’t do it again.