Today was hard I’m more struggling not so much the thoughts of gambling but unable to control my feelings I don’t know how to feel or what I should do.
Once minute in smiling the next I’m on the verge of tears. Left alone during the day is the worst thing possible I sit there thinking of how much I let my family down thinking of how bad things have become.
No matter how much I think of the positives something sneaks in to tell me about how I have hurt that person or ruined that part of my life. I look around me thinking how I got here it doesn’t seem real this isn’t me but I know it is.
The thoughts come all day the doctors are no good with no space I feel like I want to curl into a ball and hide but I know if I do it will only make it worse I have to fight that urge I have to stay strong and stand up to my mind I can not let it win.
My anxiety is exploding and so is my ocd without gambling there is nothing there to control it and it’s let’s be honest running wild it feels free nothing stopping it or holding it back for The first told in over three years it has freedom and it is certainly using it.
Finally the doctors can see me tomorrow morning I need it in scared because I don’t go to the doctors often so this is a big step for me I again slept well I mean it’s the only time I get my mind to sleep and it is needed.
Tomorrow is another day and as they say one day at a time.