So it’s now Wednesday this week seems to be going so slow a mixture of emotions and hardly able to smile.
Trying to keep myself busy just is not working, the interest for everything is gone, watching television I get bored, tidying just doesn’t help you can tidy without thinking about what you’re doing that leaves my mind vacant for thoughts I didn’t want.
I have myself in a position where I need money I need to find a way to make back what I lost and this Addiction preys on that just like an alcohol Addiction preys on the need for a drink.
I knew I couldn’t but my mind keeps telling me if I just put £20 I could possibly win £60 £90 or even more to help this is what keeps you coming back to gamble this is what I need to fight if I give in now I will have to start again because then the next trick happens.
I would deposit £20 lose and think it’s just warming up and put more in my brain telling me a big win is coming soon until eventually I have put everything in the bank in and left feeling worse than before.
Just like alcohol, there’s no such thing was just one drink or one bet if you’re an addict that is what your mind tells you just this once only once but when you caved in and done it out gets its claws in deeper and makes you do it again and again.
So no matter what I tried today that thought was always there nothing keeps my mind off it I just have to fight it I have to tell myself no I do not need to gamble and stay strong until it passes. The thought never really leaves it is always there and always will be even after years of not gambling it will few there but over time you get used to it and know how to control it.
When the kids are home from school in more stressed than in normally am gambling stopped that it had me in a kind of dream world protected me from the stress and worry without it. I had to face it head on and it was hard three years of hiding behind and using gambling as my drug.
I had so much to learn so much to do it was like starting life over again starting to be a mum again from the beginning a partner again from the beginning I liked forward to night times not so much for the peace and the kids asleep but so I can sleep and finally give my mind a break from thinking about how gambling can help me.
For now, sleep is my friend I have no thoughts or dreams about gambling it is just peaceful bliss and amazing.