Speaking out for the first time 

Waking up I felt dazed confused and tired.  I couldn’t sleep I kept waking up to check my phone just incase he called or text he didn’t.  I honestly couldn’t blame him I mean £600 gone in just a few hours and now 2 months behind on the rent I wouldn’t have blamed him if he left me even though we have our problems he didn’t deserve this.

The day went by slow everyone was so loud or maybe it was just me I walked to the shop and seen the scratch cards distracting myself I looked through the chocolate and though I would treat myself to distract drum the scratch cards.

Getting back to my sisters I still had no reply from my partner the kids where asking if they could go home I didn’t want to if he wasn’t ready to see me I didn’t want any arguments around the kids I was brought up with it and it’s not good.

I got the kids and walked over to my dad’s I loved my sisters house it was so close to my dad’s.  My mum was there they didn’t ask much which in grateful for I didn’t want to cry or get back into it they knew I still didn’t have a reply from my partner and I honestly now at 2 o’clock didn’t think I would get one.  
But I did short saying can’t do this over the phone see you when you get home x

I felt relief and at the same time sick I had to confront him I had to tell everything in person I couldn’t hide behind people or phones or paper I had never done this before and it scared me more then anything.
So me and the kids got ready to get the 2 buses home.  On the way home every thought went through my head and I got more anxious.  Getting home things where quiet it felt wired I didn’t want to try talk with the kids awake.  My partner went out and I got the kids in bed I say upstairs in our bed waiting for him.  Preparing myself to do this to open up for once and not hide.

So we talked it felt good to finally tell him my anxiety wad shot I scratched my head they much it bled I still didn’t feel safe or like I had people I still felt alone I was grateful he started to understand and wanted to help me asking me how he can help in gave him my cards and he is only to give me small amounts of money.
That night I still didn’t sleep well I still kept waking up loads worried and feeling like I was lost and had no idea how I got here.

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