I’m losing everything 

I feel better today but so scared I’m glad to finally have told people but scared to tell my partner my sister told my dad who won’t ring me but knows I’ll ring him when in ready.
Im busy cleaning the house getting all 5 kids ready to go to my sisters I feel awful I want to tell my partner but I physically can not.  He’s watching football when I leave I get the two buses to my sisters with my 5 kids thinking how I’m lucky to have my kids and partner and I can’t believe how much this will hurt them.

Getting to my sisters we sit and talk I know my partner needs to be told but can’t do it myself in basically feeling frozen I can’t speak about it in just in pure shock.  So my dad comes over and says he will go down and tell him.

Once he’s left I’m sitting there more anxious then before can I stop him can I just not tell him I didn’t want to let him down or hurt him. So I sat there waiting for my dad to call and say be spoke to him he did and obviously he was not happy I decided to stay at my sisters she tried calling and explaining to him it’s a actual Addiction and wasn’t for fun when she asked if he wanted to talk to me he said no.

The day went on the kids playing happily not knowing anything they just seen it as they where having a sleep over I just sat there shocked waiting for the tears to start again.

My other sister rang me she knew my dad obviously told her which was fine she is the one I normally go to but couldn’t I knew of I told her not to tell anyone she wouldn’t and she wouldn’t push me to let her like my other sister did.  I then that night text my other 2 sisters we don’t talk often but though it was only right I told them.  They where all understanding which helped.

I wad devastated nearly 12 years together and I do this I lied to him and I put us in a position where we could be homeless.  He didn’t speak to me at all that night no replies to my pleading texts or me apologising.
That night I felt low like I lost everything the only thing keeping me going was the fact I had my kids us all squashed into my sisters house.  I had something to fight for but deep down I still felt broken unable to shake the feeling of been a failure.  I honestly felt alone yes I had support but I felt alone and did not know what to do.

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