I’m billiejo and I’m addicted to gambling 

The words I never though I would hear myself say but I now am.
So that is Friday 20th January 2017 and something big just happened.  I had a breakdown I was sat there crying shaking uncontrollably hardly able to speak and broken.

You see I had must gambled away £600 in just a few hours!  I’m was scared shocked and totally broken it wasn’t the first time I had lost such a large amount but this time something hit me and hit me hard and snapped me out the daze.
I rang once of my sisters crying begging her to not tell anyone before I would tell her.  She confirmed she would not tell anyone and I broke down I said “I have a gambling Addiction and I just lost all the rent money” 
My exact words I have a gambling Addiction still crying I spoke to her for a minute she said she would ring me back once her company had gone.
Still in a state I messaged a friend on Facebook age called me and again I was a total mess. Scared start am I going to do my partner is going to find out the landlord will I honestly felt like hiding curling up in a ball and just hiding from the world.
Her words calmed me down a lot she showed me how to see what the worse outcome could be and how even if I was homeless I still had my kids and family.

Finishing on the phone to her my sister called back and we talked I agreed to go to hers tomorrow.  
That night I decided I needed to take action so I registered in gambling anonymous website I spoke on a live chat to people who had gone through similar to me.  I knew I had to make a change in not one for talking and telling people my emotions and what’s bothering me and that was what got me in this mess.
Rather then get help for ocd abd anxiety and depression I ignored it didn’t tell family and gambling with my drug to hide from it.

So that night I spent all night using the online slots and bingo self exclusion feature so I couldn’t go on my usual websites.
I went to Facebook and hit the live butt knew if I did and I told people my story I would find it harder to gamble again and I hoped someone somewhere would see it and it would help them.
This was my first day realising I had a gambling Addiction and wanting to change it.  I was broken but I needed to change things to fight this disease.

Featured post

Dating is hard do sites help?? My review

So I decided to try two sites most people know about. 
Plenty of fish and match. Com
Now we all know they are free but very limited until you upgrade. 

But is it harder if your a women looking for a women?? Or a man looking for a man??
So before I set it up for women interested in women I tried women looking for man. 
plenty of fish?? Instantly got notifications love the fact you get a app.

But sort lived because you need to upgrade to do so much!!  However it’s fairly priced. 
So I upgraded within 12 hours my upgrade was gone called to see why and be told it was a safety measure they cancelled the transition to avoid fraud but I could do it again without it been cancelled. 
However it took 8 working days for my money to go into the bank from my diary attempt.
Now I had full features I enjoyed the app a lot.   I learnt how to block very quickly.   The search is lacking it needs more options but I like the fact you can scroll through as many members hitting ✔❌ or swiping your interest. 
In the first day I must have had over 100 messages granted 50% were inappropriate however that is a good amount to receive.

It seemed too work very well I did not like the fact if you sent a picture in messages it had to be added to your profile!  However I guess that’s to try stop the naked messages been sent. 

 It has a flirt bottom that sends a message to the person saying hey there. 

I can certainly see why so many would be successful with pof.
Now when I switched to women interested in women I knew what to do.   It was the exact same. 
Less responses but still some more and a lot of women on it looking for women. 

 A lot of women point out there won’t reply if you hit the flirt button. 

So for me overall plenty of fish. 

Search 5/10

Variety of people 10/10

Ease of use 9/10

Price 8/10

Profile options and questions 7/10
So match .Com 

Now this one I’m not so sure about. 

It is high priced then after upgrading it gives you the option to upgrade higher so none upgrades can message you!

To me if you upgrade it should include that. 

For a women seeking man there was so many you can do local search and hundreds shows up. 
Again so many responses from men you get a wink function which is like flirt on plenty of fish but doesn’t message them. 

 Again I can see this been successful. 
However switching to women seeking women I was disappointed I would not have paid knowing how lacking it is.
Apparently there is only 8 women on the site in a 50ml radios seeking a women just 8!!
Then you can look through a list but most are not even in the UK!!  The like dislike that plenty of fish has match. Com has but it is limited to 100 every 24 hours so you can view 100 then have to wait. 
It appears in over 48 hours maybe only 3 people seem to be active within 100 miles of me I have messaged a few but majority are not active or upgraded. 

Search is amazing so many options. 

Overall for match. Com

Search 10/10

 Variety of people straight 10/10 lesbians 5/10

Ease of use 8/10

Price 6/10 I dislike the fact you have to pay more for all features. 

Profile options and questions 8/10
For me plenty of fish all the way for women seeking women there seems to be so many more women on it. 
Women seeking men it’s a draw because there is so many benefits of both and both lack in areas the others are better at. 
However I will not continue my subscription for match. Com as for me seeking a women it is pretty useless. 

What run away parents don’t experience. 

This is something so close to me right now seeing my kids go through it is heart breaking.
It has been over a month since we moved.   That is exactly how long it has been since the kids seen their dad. 
In that month he’s rang them once not asked how they are or anything.  
If your a mum or dad and have walked away from your child no matter what age they are here’s some things you need to know your not seeing. 
Remember this you are the first man or women to break your child’s heart.   You might not think of it that way but imagine knowing your parent didn’t love you!! It would break anyone’s heart However you have broke your own child’s heart not a crush their own parent!!
You don’t see them nights when your baby girl is crying out for her daddy while her mummy knowing he doesn’t care is saying he’s busy and working.
You dont see those days your son comes out of class with a daddy and son day poster asking why his dad can not come.
You dont see your child grow up wondering day to day what that parent is doing and why they don’t care. 
You dont see the excitement on your child’s face when mummy says daddy is coming followed by tears because daddy cancelled. 
There is so much you don’t see that you cause!! You may think we tell our kids you don’t care when infact we don’t we make excuses for you been absent so they don’t know you didn’t love them.
However one day you also miss them never asking about you again getting over the heartbreak and moving on.
We try our hardest to make them think you want to see them but can’t but eventually they realise on their own they was unwanted. 
You don’t see their first day at school, their first exams, first crush, high school, but more importantly their second heart break!
But they have something to thank you for.   They thank you for walking away showing them you didn’t care and making their hearts break but grow up to be stronger and never wanting to hurt their own children in that way. 
Just remember these children owe you nothing so do not come back in years when they are grown up to meet your grandchildren. 

Its been a while

Some of you follow my other blog and will understand this blog post more then others.  Take a look at my account and click crying with mental pain
I love writing blogs recently I have struggled I just don’t feel confident in what I write or that people will find it interesting. 
Although to be honest I don’t write for subscribes or comments I write as a form of release a form of mental relief because sometimes there is so much in my mind I struggle to think straight. 
This week has been good but hard mentally things in life are moving forward which is great. 
I still have not gambled i am enjoying the gym and seeing more of my family I just don’t feel like I’m over what has happened.

A father who does not care?

So I have not written in the blog for a while, For many reasons really the biggest been there is so much happening right now I didn’t know what to write about and what to leave out.

 

But tonight I realised something I SHOULD NOT! Leave anything out nothing because any tiny detail could possibly make someone think or realise how important simple things are in their life!

 

So In April a lot changed! My partner moved out leaving me with the five children not long after that I received a letter through the post regarding eviction.  I spent the first few days keeping busy the kids happy, Easter etc.  To be honest when Easter came I was actually expecting a call or text from the kids dad but nothing.

Slowly I noticed he was not texting or calling, when he did he did not ask how the kids where and rarely asked how I was.  On a few occasions he came to stay but clearly not to see the kids or spend time with me it was for one thing only.

So I carried on trying to keep myself and the kids distracted and not thinking about him to much because he never came to visit.  I was looking for a house as well, trying to ensure my son did good with his year 6 sat’s while also trying to make sure I stayed healthy and eating.

I kept having periods where I would feel like crap but not once did I gamble, Most days I was fine and happy which amazed me the fact on the worst days I did not turn to gambling like most would with an addiction.

 

I realised slowly how much he upset me, made me feel crap and in general treated me awful.  Like the time the landlord came out to do some repairs the kids dad was with me and his friend however rather then helping he made things worse well for me anyway.

I knew I would need to ask the landlord somethings and I had been working on building up the courage to ask.  However that was quickly shot down by their dad.

“You need to ask the landlord”

“You caused all this yourself”

“None of my family want you or the kids living with them your all slobs”

While turning to his friend and saying he’s not nasty but it is the truth.

So my self esteem and confidence at that point went.  I felt like going in the house locking the door behind me and ignoring everyone.  I didn’t understand why he was so cruel there was no need!  Saying to me “If you don’t find a house you will have to move into your dads cause none of my family want you or the kids living with them your all slobs”

 

Says the person who shouted at me because I would not carry his dirty washing downstairs, Or leaves plates rubbish and other crap piled high next to the bed, maybe the fact he never helped tidy or said he did but just stood there shouting at everyone telling them what to do.

Saying “The bedroom doesn’t matter that is a personal space no one see’s”  Yet inviting friends into it while his crap is next to the bed?

Me spending ages cleaning and getting stuff sorted for a party for him to say to family “She left it till the last minute and I had to do loads” While in fact he did nothing.

So here I am now sat at my dads with my five kids wondering what the hell my kids did to deserve this? 12Th I moved into my dads the 11th was the last day 4 of the kids seen him the youngest seen him on the 15th only because she went with me and seen him.

No message or call asking how the kids are? No thank you to them posting happy fathers day.  Worst thing is 2 of them know full well he see’s his eldest daughter from before we got together yet he does not seem to care about them.

 

If he was to read this I know what he would say, “I have been working” “I have been clearing your shit out the house” “I won’t come to your dads” “I don’t like your family”

Yet the fact he can not text to ask how they are or call to speak to them means those excuses are just that excuses!  If he really cared he would call and text he would happily say I will come up saturday and take them out for the day but I know he won’t.

I just hope that soon very soon they stop asking cause honestly I can not make any more excuses for why he isn’t bothered.  I can only do so much I can not force him to want to ring and speak to his kids.  Weird thing is he always said how much he hated my mum for what she did to us walking away yet he he is worse at least she showed she cared a bit she came and seen us, called and we slept at hers.

 

How anyone can have been in their kids lives for 11, 6, 6, 5 and 3 years and not want to know they are ok makes no sense to me I look at my kids and it breaks my heart knowing in 6 months time they may have seen him 3 or 4 times if that!

I know that breaking that bond with your kids is almost impossible to mend you can not expect to walk out of your child’s life and come back when they are old enough to watch themselves and expect them to love you and welcome you with open arms cause it just does not happen like that!

These children are amazing the fact some dads can not see how amazing and lucky they are to have their children is awful but the fact some dads have kids and choose to see one and not the others to me that does not make him a father it makes him a coward who want’s to pick and chose which children he want’s and if he doesn’t want my children then they will be far better without someone like him.

Crazy?  Me no way! Moving to Scotland? 

So a lot has happened and by that I mean like in my life and the past week I have not posted!! 
I have received my eviction letter and I have until 20th June to move out.
So I have been thinking, what if I leave Leeds? Yes it sounds crazy right?  Me moving from Leeds to Scotland with 5 kids alone.
But I believe it will be a new start something amazing for me and the kids.
Here there has not been many happy times infact 90% have been bad the other 10% have been all about the kids.
So what do I have to lose?  To me nothing I  don’t have anything to lose the kids have nothing to lose.
Well except I’ll be leaving or selling all my stuff and buying new things.
It’s something I think about more and more and each time I do I’m me convinced it’s the right thing to do.  
So am I crazy?  No or maybe I am but I want to give my kids a better life

Food now and how it used to be

Everyone no matter what their age will remember the stories.

 

Our grandparents saying “In my day”  The stories of how they walked for miles in the snow to school sometimes without shoes.  The stories of how they would only get bread and butter for tea sometimes.  How they would eat these soups or stews that were full of saturated animal fats.  Some stories would be an exaggeration of the truth but one thing that is true is how much things have changed since including our foods.

 

They never used to feed or use growth hormones, antibiotics or similar products while raising animals.  Most butchers back then had their own farm land or bought from people very local.  The meat was fresh and free from all man-made toxins.  Animals add grass which also did not have anything added to it.

 

Now most animals are raised in factories, some never see sunlight and some even live in tiny unsanitary conditions.  Before they were constantly out never indoors now it is the opposite.  This is leading to diseases that spread a lot quicker not to mention the drugs given to help them grow quicker.  People wonder why people are more malnourished now then 50-100 years ago it is because our meat is not fresh.

 

Let’s talk about fruit and veg something people think of as having very high nutrients.

Chemical Pesticides and fertilizers decrease and damage fruit and veg.  They never used these product’s which is why a lot of nutrients in these fruit and vegetables have dropped up to as high as 37%!  Imagine that years ago a single fruit you would have got 100% nutrients from now you have lost 37% of the nutrients.

Imagine in another 50 years!  They say you need to eat 8 oranges to get the same amount of vitamin A your grandparents would have gotten from just 1!

 

With this crisis rising more people having deficiencies and illnesses from lack of nutrients people now have turned to supplements but the issues with supplements?

They add things to it that are not needed or have other side effects.  You still don’t get a lot of nutrients from them either.

 

So the alternative?  Foods farmed free from these chemicals and harvested naturally.  These are hard to come by and shops certainly do not sell these.  They do sell products that are created from these fruits or vegetables but again they process takes out most of the nutrients so you believe your getting amazing benefits when in fact you are not.

So what now?  There are many companies out there who specialize in products that are just that!  100% Natural, the products made in a way so you get nearly all the nutrients from the fruit and veg.  One of these companies I promote and the value of these products are totally amazing.  These foods are known as super foods they came from all over the world not just your country.

Click below to take a look.

super-foods

What a busy roller-coaster time 


That right above is me and has been now for 17 days. At the start I was nervous scared even that I would not be able to do it alone.
But not too far into it I realised I had already been doing it alone for 11 years the biggest difference was most days I don’t have adult conversation except for online!!   But that is sometimes the next conversations ever!! 
Daily I get people messaging me on Facebook asking how I am doing and coping!!  That right there is my support network these people I have built relationships with care about it!! 
So since then, well let’s just say again landlord threatened eviction I told him to go ahead I want out.  However it didn’t happen.
So what was my choices? Yes that’s right report my issues to the local council amazingly 3 days after they rang him I received the letter of eviction!! 
No contact from him yet about the repairs.  He only has 28 days to do them and believe me after his abuse and threats.  I will be reporting him for not doing the work! 
Along with this I had a scare Friday evening!   Mia came out of school unwell and unable to breath.  This was the first time that it’s happened while I am living alone.
I was not scared of what would happen or been alone and dealing with it.  I was scared I would have to call a ambulance and have my 6 year old leave without mummy or daddy at her side! 
Anyone with a child who frequently gets ill will understand it is hard to leave them while you go to the shop or for some air.  So the thought of leaving them completely alone scared me so much.
I’m so grateful her dad came and watched the others while I took her.  After over 4 hours in a&e she had 40 puffs of her inhaler, steroids, nebuliser, oxygen and xrays.
Thankfully we got to go home that night!!   Which was amazing she perked up loads and the next day she was almost back to get complete usual self.
I will be posting most nights now!! 
It’s time I started embracing this change and using it to my advantage.

I hit 100 days!! 

I have been so busy but rather then going into it on here I will make a separate post regarding life.
So Sunday was the 100th day I did not gamble!! Today is actually 102days I know I’m late updating!! In those 100 days I have saved myself £4,400 on average!! 
Now that has gone!!   It went on the kids house stuff, new clothing for myself thins that are important.

I’m proud I made it without any meetings especially after the last months incidents most people relapse after struggles so close to stopping an addiction.
I’m proud I didn’t it shows me I can go through almost anything without caving!! 
Don’t get me wrong I get thoughts sometimes really bad ones but I manage them I walk away from those thoughts telling me I should gamble.

Love stuck poem 

copyrighted by billiejo priestley 

It feels like glue every time I pull away it springs me back 
Why does this hold never loosen or break it’s like the ultimate glue

Those words hurt they slowly killed me inside while I was fighting to stay alive 

I struggled for breath until finally I gave up I became what you wanted 

It was easier to die inside and conform so the pain you inflicted wouldn’t be so hurtful 

I tried to keep it switched on the feelings were to bad dragging me down and down until I switched them off but it only switched off the good not the bad 

Left with the bad and no way out I clambered and scraped for a exit a exit from this black hole that was sucking all the good from me.

Pulsing the bad into my mind like a machine that forces you to breath fighting it till the end till the last breath.

Your darkness may have pulled me down it make have left just darkness in my life but my heart will always be pure.

The darkness may still hold onto me pulling me back but with each pull out weakens one day a light will find it’s easy through and break you.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑