I’m billiejo and I’m addicted to gambling 

The words I never though I would hear myself say but I now am.
So that is Friday 20th January 2017 and something big just happened.  I had a breakdown I was sat there crying shaking uncontrollably hardly able to speak and broken.

You see I had must gambled away £600 in just a few hours!  I’m was scared shocked and totally broken it wasn’t the first time I had lost such a large amount but this time something hit me and hit me hard and snapped me out the daze.
I rang once of my sisters crying begging her to not tell anyone before I would tell her.  She confirmed she would not tell anyone and I broke down I said “I have a gambling Addiction and I just lost all the rent money” 
My exact words I have a gambling Addiction still crying I spoke to her for a minute she said she would ring me back once her company had gone.
Still in a state I messaged a friend on Facebook age called me and again I was a total mess. Scared start am I going to do my partner is going to find out the landlord will I honestly felt like hiding curling up in a ball and just hiding from the world.
Her words calmed me down a lot she showed me how to see what the worse outcome could be and how even if I was homeless I still had my kids and family.

Finishing on the phone to her my sister called back and we talked I agreed to go to hers tomorrow.  
That night I decided I needed to take action so I registered in gambling anonymous website I spoke on a live chat to people who had gone through similar to me.  I knew I had to make a change in not one for talking and telling people my emotions and what’s bothering me and that was what got me in this mess.
Rather then get help for ocd abd anxiety and depression I ignored it didn’t tell family and gambling with my drug to hide from it.

So that night I spent all night using the online slots and bingo self exclusion feature so I couldn’t go on my usual websites.
I went to Facebook and hit the live butt knew if I did and I told people my story I would find it harder to gamble again and I hoped someone somewhere would see it and it would help them.
This was my first day realising I had a gambling Addiction and wanting to change it.  I was broken but I needed to change things to fight this disease.

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You have OCD 7 years later it was wrong.

Pregnant with twins 7 1/2 years ago took a strain on my body, health and mental health.

I realised I was constantly unable to stop touching my hair to the point I would feel a slight lump where the hair was broken and snap the broke piece off.

Sounds crazy right?  I thought so as well, I figured it was a new bad habit I had but then I realised sometimes I did not even notice I was doing it until I kind of woke up from my trance with hairs all over me.

Split ends were my nightmare and delight!  I could spend hours finding slit ends and literally splitting them!

 

The doctor instantly said I had OCD that was brought on by pregnancy and should go after!  Yippee I thought not long to go now however after they were born things did not get better they got worse!

Years went by well seven years to be exact of me believing I had OCD.  When one night I noticed my daughter literally pulling her hair out not one strand but several at a time over and over!

Panic took me and I thought I am sure I have heard of this before.  So off to the doctors we went where the doctor confirmed she has trichotillomania.

Her beautiful hair was a disaster!

 

Now I read, read and read articles after articles on how to help her and to be honest they were all pretty useless they all concluded it is near impossible for someone with trichotillomania to stop.

So I was shocked, there was techniques that might help but the chances where very, very, low.  So it looked like a high possibility that she would have to live with this for life.

Reading more and more about it I learnt trichotillomania comes in many forms, nail biting, nose picking, lip biting, cheek biting, skin picking hair pulling, hair picking, hair cutting! and split ends splitting.

I sat there looking reading the facts and realised I don’t have OCD.  I spoke to someone who is just like me and she confirmed they was wrongly diagnosed with OCD as well to then be told it was a form of trichotillomania.

 

Now looking at the different types of trichotillomania I know I am a big nail biter to the point it goes to far down and is painful as hell, I know I also often bite my lips so much they blend or do the same to inside my cheeks!

So what now?  Well firstly I am actually grateful that I have trichotillomania it mean’s my daughter won’t feel like she is the only one suffering from it.

Second I wasted just over 7 years believing I had OCD 7 years!  That is a lot of time I took drugs that clearly didn’t help for the reason I did not have OCD.

So don’t always assume doctors get it right sometimes they look at you, see your pregnant and instantly think it is OCD brought on by pregnancy.

Words that go perfectly in erotica books.

So something I get asked a lot what words can be used?  It depends on your book entirely.  If you describe the women as quiet, shy and a virgin it is highly unlikely she is going to use the word cock!

So let’s see what words you can use for the male’s parts.  What you don’t want is every time you refer to it say the same word every time.  A book that constantly calls his penis a cock will get boring.  You also do not want every time you say it to use a entirely new word you have not.

For instance his cock was exposed and I moved forward grabbing his shaft in a tight vice I suddenly lowered my head towards his Stalk and let my tongue trail down his penis.

To many words to quickly, Sure change it up but don’t aim to use every single word to describe one body part in one book.

So what can you describe or call the males penis?

  1. Scrotum – I slowly lowered my head towards his Scrotum.
  2. Balls – I grabbed his balls in a tight embrace.
  3. Shaft – I lowered myself slowly allow his shaft to enter me.
  4. Groin – I moved down towards his groan as I liked my lips in delight.
  5. Package – His package was there for all to see whether they chose to or not.
  6. Sack – I slowly licked around his sack before sucking it into my mouth gently.
  7. Rod – His rod stood up mighty and proud for me to inspect.
  8. Stalk – I walked to him and could see his stalk there ready and waiting for me.
  9. Dick – His dick was there ready teasing and taunting me.
  10. Cock – I slowly sucked the tip of his cock into my mouth savouring the taste.

Other words include these however fitting them into writing can become harder.

  1. Manhood
  2. His
  3. testicles
  4. phallus
  5. Lingam
  6. Organ
  7. Appendage
  8. Arousal
  9. His Length
  10. Staff
  11. Member
  12. Easy Rider
  13. Piston
  14. Wanger
  15. Hammer.

 

Now lets look at what a women’s can be called.

  1. Flower – I looked at her admiring her slower as the pollen dripped from inside I was the honeybee.
  2. Bud – I lowered myself so my mouth was inches away from her bud.
  3. Slit- My tongue slowly swiped up her slit collecting her juices.
  4. Her Core – I ran my fingers down her stomach until I reached her core where she was waiting for me.
  5. Mouth of her arousal – My tongue teased and tasted at her mouth of arousal as she moaned with pleasure.
  6. Clit – I slowly let my tongue play around her clit making her grab a fistful of hair and pushing me further in.
  7. Pussy – She moved onto me lowering her pussy onto my shaft as she looked at me with innocent eyes.
  8. Pink pearl – I was blessed to have her I realised as I relished in her pink pearl.
  9. Folds – She was amazing her fingers slid between her folds showing my her passage.
  10. Pool of moisture – I moved down until I was met by her pool of moisture.

Some other words are also

  1. Labia
  2. Box
  3. Crevice
  4. Honey pot
  5. inner lips
  6. The heart of her femininity
  7. Her Sex
  8. Her essence
  9. Her Centre
  10. Crease
  11. Orifice
  12. Mons
  13. Canal
  14. C*nt not often used
  15. Vulva
  16. Clitoris
  17. Mound
  18. Womb
  19. Yoni
  20. Junction of her thighs
  21. Her entrance
  22. Sheath
  23. Groin
  24. Love button
  25. Bean

Now this list is not final I am sure you can instantly think of one I have missed so please comment and I will add them.

 

The important thing to remember is the word used should be relevant to your story and that exact scene!  If they are doing it hard-core saying something like her soft flower was so delicate won’t sound right where as saying her core was flowing with flavour begging to be touched would fit better.

Seductive Vibrations.

Melanie a student a university meets Jacksons from the navy at her own party after her room mate Liam introduces him to her as his brother.

Melanie is overwhelmed by him and knows that it is unlikely he would go for her however he does.

She finds him to be a caring man but also intoxicated by him and struggles to keep her mind and sanity while he is with close proximity of him.

They both learn they have a past that they want to leave there but it is not always the case for the past sometimes it want’s to break into the future.

Melanie learns that Jackson has a business that he has kept a secret and when she finds out what it is she is not surprised he kept it hidden.

They embark on a passionate, fiery relationship and Jackson makes Melanie relaxed and so she feels compelled to tell him her sexual fantasies which he shows her is possible.

The past comes back fighting hard threatening to destroy them even if it means murder.

 

Book due to be released 16/02/2018 on Amazon.

Book Two Seductive Vibrations A tingle to far Release date to be announced.

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How I Became To Write Erotic Novels

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I have always written for as long as I can remember.  Writing was my form of release to express my feelings and life around me.

 

In school I had won a competition for my poem and it was also featured in a book I loved writing growing up and sadly lost touch of it as I got older.

Children, family, home commitments and other things got in the way.  Years ago I began Seductive Vibrations, I knew the story line and which parts would go into which books I wanted it to be amazing not just sex but not just action.

After years of not writing things turned and I have again found writing as my release for my feelings.

So I thought I would help others by answering some of the common questions I get asked daily about writing erotic novels and fiction.

So question one: How do I find time?

How do we find time to do anything for ourselves when we have family?  We make cut backs on other stuff we enjoy doing so we have time to write.  No I don’t stop everything I love to write these stories but I do cut back the amount of time I spend on them.

Question two: How can you write sex scenes with kids running around?

I don’t that is the last thing you want to do as you need to feel it as you write it you will tell someone who just threw a few sexual sentences together and someone who actually sat there concentrating thinking about what they would do or what they would expect the character to do.

Question Three: How do you think of sex scenes and what happens.

It is called imagination that mixed with things you have experienced yourself!  Use what you know and write it out adding to it so it is not your sex story but the characters.

There is no harm in writing a scene based on a night you enjoyed yourself and editing it so it doesn’t sound exactly the same.

Question Four: Do you have to have a fantasy.

This depends on the person some people use their fantasy in their stories it is a way of acting it out but as a character others don’t have them so don’t use it.

Question Five: How much sex is to much?

None, you can not have a erotic novel with to much sex, it isn’t possible however there is a very fine line between erotic novel and a porn book..

Question Six how many sex scenes?

Again this is your choice and varies from story to story.

Do you want there to be one or two big scenes and small ones you don’t build up as much?  Would you rather have a good detailed scene in each chapter?  Some erotic novels have minimal while others have a lot.

Question Seven: Is there such thing as to much info?

No you can never give the readers to much information but if you book features something like golden showers or Alabama hot pocket these scenes may turn users off your book.  So make sure somewhere in the description it states it is used.

There is a audience for these acts and similar but some would be put off a book reading about it.

Question Eight: Long or short?

That is your choice a story varies from author to author as does the amount of words and chapters they use.  If you plan on writing a erotic novel that is going to fill up thousands of pages and has a story line that keeps going separate them.

Question Nine: Do the characters matter?

Yes it is highly unlikely the hottest girl in school falls for the least attractive guy and he turns out to be into BDSM and all things kinky think realistically what would you readers like to imagine?  Would they like to imagine a girl with braces and big glasses?  Some would but would they all?  It comes down to who you want to attract to your book what your characters should be like.

 

Tomorrow I will be adding a post on how to write the perfect sex scene and some words you can use!  Ask your questions below and I will try to answer them.

 

No two victims are the same

bullying-959433_960_720What is the year? 1845? You would think it the way some people seem to not realize that no victims are the same and are effected differently from their abusers. People assume that because they were fine or someone they know was ok that well everyone else who suffers should as well.

Fact is no two victims are the same 2 victims can be put through the exact same abuse for the same time frame by the same person in their life and the outcome and effect will be different. So why do you hear it all the time?
So here is a story for you, a story about my son and how he was bullied and reactions from others around us.
He was told things like to man up and take it, He was a wuss for crying when a girl beat him! Now the fact is if he had tried to fight back against a girl he would then have been beaten more for hitting a girl! He was called spoiled because he couldn’t deal with it on his own.
Then I was told stick and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me! Do people not realize that words cause a scare no one can see? A scare that permanently damages a mind!
Then the comments came comparing him to others, My daughter was bullied on Instagram we just blocked the bullies and it never happened again. My son was bullied by kids on the street he fought them and never had an issue.
My sister even said her son was bullied for two years till he stood up to them and is totally fine. No sorry, he is not totally fine not in the mind if he is telling others to now bully my son!
People forget how many kids take their lives because they are not mentally prepared or mentally stable enough to take the abuse and bullying. A 9-year-old took her own life! The news is filled with stories of kids who struggled to cope with bullying and could not see anything way out! Some were in the position where the parents did not care and told him to stand up against them and they will be fine.
Not every child is able to stand up against bullies! And even if they can find the strength to if they are not strong enough they will be beaten laughed at and still continue to be bullied!
So here is my point just because your son or daughter was ok and had no issues with been bullied does not mean you should make out like every child should be! How would you feel if you told a parent oh they will be fine my son was bullied for a year and is fine now it has stopped. To then three weeks later realize they took your advice and that child took their life?

No two child are the same no two children will react the same to been bullied think about it before you go telling parents to let their kids get on with it, or saying they are a wuss for crying over it!

Now I will give a bit of background info so you understand. When in year 4 my son was bullied so much he started to starve himself at school and then slowly at home. On one occasion the bullies threw his bag into a tree and laughed. Seems like child play right? Not when it happened most days and teachers were fed up with it they just didn’t care and stopped trying to get his bag out for him!
He would have his coat taken and hidden on a daily basis, his shoes hidden, packed lunch. He was spiralling into depression and acting out a lot at home. The end was me pulling him out of school to home educate him. He was having packed lunches and not eating I went to several times and the conclusion was to give him something else he would like for instance a Greggs sausage roll yes the school suggested an unhealthy food! Just to get him eating day two of me buying him one on the way to school he came home with it still in his bag.

The school then put in place where my son would be escorted to dinner sat with and watched while he ate. Day one of that my son come home again with a full packed lunch. Asked why the teacher did not watch him and he was told he had to go to her at dinner time which meant walking through the school and past bullies.
So another trip in and they agreed they would collect him from class and go to the dinner hall with him day one all his food gone day two none eaten. Asked him why and his response the teacher left me with another student and which student? One of his bullies!

So he was home-schooled in year 6 he was finally offered a place at a school which said they would watch him and make sure he was ok and guess what they did! For that whole year yes he got bullied but it was resolved the same day not weeks later like the old school. Six weeks before he left year 6 we moved and he went to a new school.

Then he went to the high school skip 3 months after him starting high school and we are here today him at home been home-schooled a broken child that cries for just about any reason these days.

You see while it was going on for three months I did not find out until the third month I found out on Instagram! I was checking his phone and seeing comments like “Go crawl under a rock” “Bruv you got dropped by a girl and cried go away” “Lol Kyle you got a dropped by a girl go crawl in your hole” ” You should just jump off a cliff no wait a stone is high enough for you”

Asking my son what they meant by he got dropped by a girl and what happened. He shrugged it off like it was nothing. I asked him about the other comments and he again shrugged it off like it was nothing. Sat there though, thinking about it I started to realize things from before, he was withdrawn and cried for any reason. If I told him to put something down it could take me up to 10 times to say it before he realized and did then would again start crying. He was coming home eating one or 2 chips or pieces of chicken claiming he was full.
So I put him on a packed lunch because before that he was spending average £4 to £6 a day! Packed lunches came home empty some days but he still claimed he was not hungry at tea time. How could one sandwich fill him up to the point he did not feel hungry for the rest of the day? So I finally got him to accept it and he took the evidence to school. He said he had told them about the girl who pushed him to the floor and repeatedly kicked him and nothing had been done. The cyber bullies he reported the first teacher explained there is always going to be a positive and negative outcome of social media! A negative outcome is people saying they do not like your video or disagreeing with a view you have, not saying a child should climb under a rock or jump off a cliff! That is cyber bullying, not negative attention! To then for him to be told by the same teacher it was him who caused it by joining Instagram!

Forget Instagram it has started before that! In school, his own cousin telling people he needed to be taught a lesson and laughing to my face when telling me my son had to go back to school cause one of his friends kicked him in the back of the legs and tried wiping him out! This child was meant to be in isolation for a day but refused to go so no punishment but still bullied my son!
So my son told the school on the Thursday about the kids from school on Instagram showing them what was said. The school did nothing till the following Thursday! They told my son the issue had been resolved so obviously my son believed and said he was happy with the outcome! That night the exact same thing happened again! He went to school and told the teachers for again nothing to be done.

Now into the Christmas holidays, I witnessed myself the nasty vile work of these bullies! Calling my son on facebook messenger threatening to beat him for apparently telling people he was going to beat up his sister. His sister been the girl who threw him to the floor and beat my son up! When she was confronted for a name of who told her this she could not say she panicked saying James, Jake, Jack or someone starting with a J?
Yeah, so no proof asked if she knew his year and no she did not know what year he was in. Asked if she could point him out to the school to teachers and no she said she can’t remember what he looks like?

They then proceeded to call my son names down the phone not knowing it was on speaker phone and I was listening when I heard enough I spoke up and the whole story changed they accused my son of just calling them names on the phone. Said they did nothing wrong when they realized I had been listening to the whole time they hung up and messaged saying they were going to get him at school.
So I withdrew him, It is disgusting to think bullying no longer stays in school. The head teachers response was just awful! Saying the teacher explained the risks of social media to Kyle. Not that she tried to resolve it so the first teacher he told shrugged it off, The other teacher took so long to apparently resolve that they assumed Kyle was happy because they told him the day before term ended that it was sorted. He told them on Friday it was not and their response they did not have time to investigate as it was the end of the term. Plus they did not know if it was in school out of school or on social media! So my son told them what happened did not make it clear that it was all three although he did.
The girl even though I mentioned it three times in the email how she was not punished or even spoken to regarding throwing him on the floor and kicking him was ignored the head teacher did not even comment on that.

Goodbye Old Life Hello New

Many tears have been shed and I will never get those tears back so much time wasted that I have lost forever.  I tried for years to be independent and show I did not need anyone.  I did amazing, I then slipped and tried getting close to family.

 

The results was heartbreak, tears, upset, fights and depression.  I wasted time I won’t get back when it was clearly years ago I would never get a foot in and actually feel at home.

 

So today is my start my new year!  No more family just my kids no more hassle no more been taken for a fool and treated like rubbish.

 

My focus is my children, my business bargain bizarre and myself.  No one at all matter if you do not fit into those 3 things your in my old life.  I no longer have time for that life.  I have no tears left over for that life.

 

Sometimes it takes walking into a situation to realise how very wrong it is for you and your children.  I lost sight of what was important, I was chasing a family I would never get, I was chasing what everyone else in the family seems to have that I don’t, I was chasing something that is impossible to reach.

 

As I chased and wasted time I forgot about what matters, Me and my kids our lives ourselves no one else.  I lost myself I don’t recognise the person I am looking at there was a time I would stand up for myself and speak my mind but I sat quiet and just let people fool me.

 

Today is the end of my old life, tomorrow is the start of my new one and the people who matter and are in it are under my roof right now.

 

I am back or am I?

Writing is my way to escape, it is my way of getting out my emotions and how I feel but often it ends in tears and usually mine.

Things have happened and life has been hard the past few months.  I have had struggles after struggles and at times felt like there was no one there I could turn to.  I am wondering now is this life for me? It seems when things are going a little good or starting to look good there is someone there waiting to push me back down and usually people you should be able to trust.

What is life if there is no one here who cares? What is life if there is people who are meant to care just wanting to cause you harm?

I am lucky I have my kids, they are the only ones keeping me going when I just want to quit!  I just want to say I have had enough of all your shit!  Of trying to be part of the family of trying to fit in somewhere when I don’t!

I’m like a outsider you see I am looking in and can’t find a way in I can try yes but there is never a way in.  I never truly feel like there is a place for me no matter how hard I try to.

Where do I fit in?  It is not here I don’t fit in I look like the odd piece of the puzzle that was not meant to be in the box.  Nothing in common with anyone, no way of fitting in I can keep trying yes but what is the point?  What is the point of hurting myself time and time again to be left on the shelf and forgotten about?

 

See I often sit and wonder, what if just what if I drank every day?  What if I caused so much trouble family had to come running?  What if I started doing stupid things so family flocked around me?  Yes I would get noticed, yes I would get invited to parties, yes I would get more visitors.

 

Then I realised doing that would make me fit in but in doing so I would lose myself I would lose what makes me different, I would be just like them and at some point someone else will feel like me and be stood on the outside looking in.

 

My kids are the only things I need in life, it seems even though some people can push and push and push you and take you for granted so much that when you finally do snap you are then looked at bad yes what they did was wrong but apparently finally saying the truth and standing up for yourself makes you get pushed further out.

 

My kids were the only one’s there the last 12 years and it seems that is how it will stay.

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A Child Angel Looking Out For Children

How can I describe it?  How can anyone possibly describe a 6 year old trying to make sick kids happy?

 

How can anyone explain how amazing it is for a 6year old to offer her Christmas presents to sick children?

 

My daughter is truly amazing!  What she is doing won’t change the world but it shows people there is good out there!  It inspires others to do things better in life!

 

If a 6 year is willing to not watch television for two weeks to raise money to give sick kids in hospital Christmas eve boxes why can’t everyone do something nice?

 

It makes me cry it really does I am blessed with 5 wonderful children and she just totally melts my heart she does everything for others she is so caring and loving!  She wrote this letter she wants to get copied and send to all the kids in hospital at Christmas.  Translation below it.

 

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Yes you might notice a spelling mistake or two especially with the word Pennies where she writes Penis but she tried!  So here is what her letter says.

 

Dear Children.

I hope you feel better soon. I am Elysa I raised money to make you Christmas boxes.  If you do not get a box it is because I didn’t get enough PENNIES so let me know and I will send you one of my presents.

Lots Of Love Elysa.

 

Amazing right?  A 6year old willing to give her Christmas presents away!  I explained to her it will cost a lot more then £500 to make enough boxes for all the kids in hospital.  And there will be a few hundred that won’t receive boxes.  So it won’t be possible to give every child a present from hers this year!

She is truly amazing an inspiration how can this 6 year old not make you want to do good?

 

Click the image below to see her go fund me page  Even if you can’t donate you can share right?  I mean if a 6year old is willing to give up her Christmas presents why can you not hit share?

 

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Lets talk about Marshmellow

He is perfect in a way he is like my baby!  Weird I know I have 5 kids and they will always be my babies but now even my youngest who is 3 makes me aware she is not a baby.

 

So we got marshmellow while I was homeless living at my dads he made the kids so happy and to be honest he made me happy!  So I did not see him I did not go get him!  He was picked up and I got pictures of the puppies available and this is the first picture I seen and I could not say no!  He was like a bundle of fluff!

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The kids got attached and over the months he has grown he is spoilt totally I get all his food from tails here is a look feel free to take a look they are amazing they make food based on your dogs breed size and even diet!  If a dog has allergies they work to provide something that is safe but still gives them then best nutrient’s for their age. click here

 

Here is some more pictures of Marshmellow’s life so far.

 

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